Raindrops fall in the hills
And channel themselves into creeks, brooks and rills,
Then merge and converge into great streams of water
And finally add life to
A deep-valley river.
Racing through canyons
With youthful abandon
And impossibly high energy
Wrapping rocks and boulders in white-water rapids
As it tumbles downstream wild and free.
Tumult turns to ripples
As it mellows and matures
Flowing calmly, smoothly,
Quite self assured.
The river shows a tranquil grace
With sparkles and shimmers in its face,
Where piedmont yields to coastal plain
The river’s strength begins to wane,
Curving in bows and bends.
The lowlands lead to a new domain
Where a river’s run will end.
It limps into a marshy place
Of muck, sawgrass and reeds.
An estuary of ebbing life
Where brackish, fetid water breathes
With tidal sighs and heaves.
The river ceases to be
As it melds into the sea,
Into a thing with no horizon end.
Then drawn by sun its vapors rise
And gather as clouds
That drift back to the hills
And fall as raindrops again.
Comments
A metaphor for life? Don't
A metaphor for life? Don't know if it works or not. Appreciate your comments.
Mike
Observations
Mike, I love the content - it's beautiful. I found myself longing for it to be tightened up for impact, perhaps making it less like prose and more poetic. A start may be to rewrite deleting as many of the smaller words or conjunctions as is reasonable and see if it still flows and hopefully even more fluidly and as much as possible, hint and lead rather than telling outright.
For your opening verse for example:
Raindrops fall in the hills
And channel themselves into creeks, brooks and rills,
Then merge and converge into great streams of water
And finally add life to
A deep-valley river.
Raindrops fall in hills
channeling into
creeks
brooks
rills
(Finally) bringing life
to deep-valley rivers
Now consider a more clipped version that can create suspense:
Raindrops fall
rivulets form channels
streams become rivers
bringing life to valleys deep
Thanks, Eleanor
I appreciate your observations. I will try to tighten up. I don't feel comfortable getting too clipped or hinting at something abstractly since I feel you lose communication in the process. I certainly like your second- version suggestion. Guess I find prosaic poetry more appealing. "Charge of the Light Brigade"??
Thanks again.
Mike
Response to Mike
Thanks... One can lose something by going too clipped... fair comment, and as you point out there are notable works that prove this... Thanks for your observations.... beaut poem even as it is
you are the ninth ''''unassailable....'''
one I have commented upon today
Hope Neopoets more will be like
Ian and me
okay like M E
nay!
but do comment I say
great metaphor
I really enjoyed reading this
I just think it needs a few tweaks..... words, especially 'river' are over repeated or redundant... ( imo )
Also, I think it would read better punctuated, without every line being capitalised....
Can I suggest just a few small changes....?
Raindrops fall in the hills
and channel themselves into creeks, brooks and rills,
then merge and converge into great streams
finally adding life to
a deep-valley river
that races through canyons
with youthful abandon.
With impossibly high energy
it wraps rocks and boulders in white-water rapids
as it tumbles downstream wild and free.
Then tumult turns to ripples
as it mellows and matures;
flows calmly, smoothly;
self assured;
showing a tranquil grace
with sparkles and shimmers in its face.
Where piedmont yields to coastal plain,
strength begins to wane
as it curves in bows and bends.
The lowlands lead to a new domain
where a river’s run will end.
It limps into a marshy place
of muck, sawgrass and reeds;
an estuary of ebbing life
where brackish, fetid water breathes
with tidal sighs and heaves;
and ceases to be
as it melds into the sea;
into a thing with no horizon end.
Then, drawn by sun, its vapors rise
and gather as clouds
that drift back to the hills,
to fall as raindrops.
I stress - totally imo
love judy
xxx
Right you are
The poem does, indeed, flow much better with the tweaks and edits you suggested. Thank you for taking the time. Excellent comments.
Cheers ... Mike
PS: What is "IMO"?
lol - imo
in my opinion
xxx
IMO
My abbreviation vocabulary sks. Thanks.
Mikie