Down Freedom Avenue

Walk with me down Freedom Avenue
Let us dance to a rythm of a new life
Through the hunger the hardships the pain strife.
Past the bigots and their slaves
Past the rancid bastards
Feeding their sickening rage
Past the greed, the grime, the hatred, the filth,
Past the whores and the junkies molesting our earth
Walk with me down Freedom Avenue
We will never be held down by chains.
Never bound by the filth of ignorance and never afraid
Never thrown to the wolves never food for the sheep.
Walk with me down Freedom Avenue
We will all be free.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Something I'm working on my first piece of writing after a few years let me know what you think. Very rusty and advice will help.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Kimberley/Northern Cape/South Africa, ZAF

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda

Comments

Mystic

You have the ability to write as is shown here, keep away from repetition and think of how the whole piece comes across when read out loud.
(Not that I do) but many give this advice so I guess it is the norm.
Split up your message into easy lumps, (Stanzas), long lines can be trimmed or made into two lines.
There is a good strong theme here and needs to be let out of its prison.
Yours Ian.T

I seldom like poems written in the second person

They usually come across preachy.
The message here though is impeccable and the first voice full of compassion. An invitation, not a sermon.
My only suggestions are to break
Walk with me down Freedom Avenue and we will never be held down by chains.
into two lines
Walk with me down Freedom Avenue
and we will never be held down by chains.
and the final line
Walk with me believe in what is right and we will all be free.
I am not sure if "right" is the right word and it needs a comma
Walk with me, believe in what is right [find the right word yourself but something to do with empathy, compassion, mutual goodness, do you get my drift?]
and we will all be free.

Yes, we will all be free. Love the poem.

Freedoms Walk

I have had time to play with this one and have written it as it came to me about life slaves and liberty:-

Walk with me down Freedoms Avenue
Let us dance to the rhythms of life anew
through the hunger the hardships and strife.
Walk with me with a freedom of life

Past the bigots and their slaves
Past rancid bastards feeding their rage
Past the greed, the grime, the hatred, the filth,
whores, junkies, and rapists molesting our earth

We will never be held down by slaveries chain,
never bound by ignorance, or ever afraid again.
Not thrown to the wolves, or food for sheep.
Walk with me believe, we will all be free.

Know that now we don’t need to plea
Down Freedoms Avenue, walk with me.

I love the theme it seems to be a Mandela type message, and as I spent about 12 years in South Africa it rang true to the feelings expressed there,
Yours Ian.T

A good concoction of passion,

A good concoction of passion, rage and sensitivity is very vibrant and appealing in this piece.

Jess & Ian have already provided suggestion which you may consider for the edits which will definitely lift it up.. If this is your attempt after a long lay off, I am sure there is much more to forward to from you...

Thanks guys for all the

Thanks guys for all the critisicm I really appreciate it I changed it a bit what do you think? I'm born and raised in S.A Ian. And the title i got from a jazz artist who lives here called Sipho Gumede he's got a song called freedom avenue.

Good edit!

I think you've really tightened this up, enhancing rather than losing content.
Some people say a poem is never finished. I reckon it is when you say it is.
Yet you might consider:
Let us dance to a rythm of a new life [rhythm, odd that it doesn't show up on spell-checker]