Depths
Plunging...
Into the crystal clear pool
Many secrets hiding
Where the luscious sapphire water
Of lonely indigo yearning
Meets with aquatic forests
Of rich emerald velvet desire
to reveal a haven of acceptance
Where the starlit silence
Of her fairy childlike devotion
is pure and resplendent in a swirl of melding
This tide pool of loving...
The meridian of many an unchained soul
Last Few Words: with special thanks to Weirdelf and Judyanne.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
your poetry Cat... is beyond... beyond
for simple folks like me
you have to send notes to read your blossoming mind
and in the greenery fields of poetic lure
Cat none know any more
for sure
as you alone know all..
Thank You Loved,
You are generously kind to me.
always, Cat
Dear Lonnie,
Thank you for your high praise.
always, Cat
You totally had me at the first five lines
words used to total effect, and you know I value words.
Now, you know I'm not shy to crit, but I'm not sure how to crit the rest except as "too many adjectives".
I wish I could offer more constructive advice than to say "use less words"! Really, say what is happening without the cloud of adjectives.
If this doesn't make sense to you tell me and we'll talk about it.
Thank You, Jess!
Yes you make sense to me. Could you read Judy's comments and tell me if that is more in line with what you had in mind?
p.s.
I always enjoyed chatting with you, no matter what the subject :)
love, Cat
dear cat
the main thing I would suggest here is to remove the word ‘beautiful’
lol – it is a pet hate of mine – poetry is supposed to describe it without saying it – if you know what I mean
the rest – perfect
great alliteration
‘plunging… crystal clear pool
… secrets hiding
Under the luscious sapphire water’
and visuals with
‘lonely indigo shadowed yearning’
however, where begins ‘Meets with delicious aquatic forests’ to me seems fragmented… the thought is disjointed somehow… not continuing with the previous words
I don’t know if I am explaining myself clearly
maybe if you change
‘Of lonely indigo shadowed yearning’ to ‘where lonely indigo shadowed yearning…’
also the gerund
‘Revealing….’ – I try to avoid them…. perhaps ‘to reveal’
and the end also is disjointed (to me I stress lol)
also, imo, you have used too many adjectives - they detract from the thoughts of the write (for me anyway)
I didn't want to re-write – but I am having trouble explaining what I mean – so here goes please don’t take offence at my rudeness…
Depths
Plunging...
Into the crystal clear pool
Many secrets hiding
(Where) the luscious sapphire water
Of lonely indigo yearning
Meets with aquatic forests
Of rich emerald velvet desire
(to reveal) a haven of acceptance
Where the starlit silence
Of her fairy childlike devotion
(is) pure and resplendent in a swirl of melding
This tide pool of loving...
The meridian of many an unchained soul
great ending btw
love judy
xxx
Dear Judy,
I take all your comments and advice to heart and seriously consider them :) and I thank you for the time it takes to make an indepth critique. I always find your words helpful. But I am short of time at the moment and will, I promise, get back to this piece. It is important to me to make it right,as it is part of a manuscript.
love, Cat
Stunning Cat!
I often allude to "nightmare imagery" but this poem is made of "great dream imagery". It's bright, warm, and the form never distracts from your words or their meaning. Very nice work.
Ron
Dear Ron,
Thank you for the comparison! Nice to see you. Thanks for reading and commenting.
always, Cat