Deposition
flesh hangs
in obscene globs
from bloody talons
a bird of prey
stripping away
humanity
producing pulp
brutal force
of beak and claw
rip and rend
all that was
mild and tender
dashed upon
jagged rocks
on cliffs of
times destruction
but you can't
break my spirit
or my mind
bound in lion's pride
my heart was forged
in temptations fires
so do your worst
you bumbling cad
and I'll make
a hearty meal
of your cracking bones
your deceits are flimsy
and thin as wings of flies
you will be seen
for what you truly are
as I pass this night
of deepest sorrow
but comes the truth
of dawns sweet kiss
birthing in the marrow
gently will they take me down
from this cross I've hung
and nail you up
to take my place
while cutting out your tongue
Comments
DEPOSITION [EDDY STYX]
A GROUP OF VERY STRONG STATEMENTS, GROOMING A COLOGE
OF VISUAL DISTINCTIONS THAT DRAWS YOU CLOSER TO THE STORY-LINE.
WELL WRITTEN, HAD A NICE FLOW. I ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH. JOHN
Dear John,
Thank you for the read :) eddy styx is my murderous male alter ego. I'm glad you enjoyed the read!
always, eddy (& cat)
omg eddy
‘flesh hangs
in obscene globs’
- what a great visual
I love the alliteration in
‘producing pulp’
and
‘rip and render’
although with this one do you think ‘rip and rend’ is more what you mean? and it doesn’t really affect the rhyme scheme and I actually like the meter better - it makes one drawl the word, slowing down the read just a tad at that spot
absolutely love the descriptive here
‘dashed upon
jagged rocks
on cliffs of
times destruction’ (I think you mean time’s – with the ownership apostrophe?)
ditto with loving the word-usage and also with the need for an apostrophe in
‘my heart was forged
in temptations fires’ (temptation's)
lol – maybe you should get cat to proof read your writes – she is much betterer with her grammar :)
imagery in the use of flies wings when the analogy is usually butterfly wings had a powerful impact on this reader at least
‘birthing in the marrow’ – am I right in presuming you really meant ‘marrow’ ? love it
love judy
xxx
Dear Judy,
Hello lovely lady! thank you for reading and commenting. I have utilized your excellent suggestion!
always, eddy (& cat)