Deceit (Serve A Poet WS)

There are too many cliché's in this work I found around six or seven so there is a great amount of new words to find for this piece, I shall wait to see what others say,
Yours Ian.T

It could be taken as a whining poem about deceit but the poetry is too good.

":Luck sans milky ways" Says so much! The galaxy itself without fortune.

There is unfortunately a fair bit of cliche inbetween but that last line
"to silence the bugging owls" is fucking brilliant! Evocative, without a definitive meaning, yet so clear in intent.
I believe you have made a courageous and largely successful attempt at a topic so well-worn it could only expect failure, yet you have succeeded.

Well I read your request and took others'remarks into consideration then decided my usual stanza and line number response wouldn't work this time. So I instead came up with a version which is heavily edited. But not in order to rewrite your poem but, rather, to show that You could easily rework this in order to intensify it and decrease the cliche.

Not all silence is treasured
as is proven on this night.
My urge was on a hot trot
thoughts outrunning the speed of light (damn! I didn't mean to rhyme )

Luck sans milky ways.
despair deeper than unseen black hole,
hopes returning like a stubborn rash
unmindful that Love shuns the scratch.

You'd fallen back into my life
erasing memories of past pain
and having been too long a lone flier
I gave in to your game.

"Love" though was of short life span
you deceived me like a cold chameleon.
Now I curse you in dark solitude
shouting to silence heckling owls

You are free to use any or none of this but I hope it might reveal a few ideas that you find useful.......stan
I

A great improvement this time around, just a small thing, the last two lines seemed to leave the whole thing unfinished:-

as I tread on a road less travelled
my breath now rid of your foul.
Otherwise the poem has taken shape, look up cliché's on the web it will give you a good guide to the format of such things.
Go well young man, Yours Ian.T

you have really taken the bull by the horns.

This is a serious, major re-write, which I wholly appreciate is a courageous and difficult thing to do. You have succeeded entirely. The poem now resounds with honesty, whether it is fiction or not has become entirely irrelevant. Seldom, if ever, have I seen a poem so completely transformed.

This is not a pleasant, happy, fun poem yet it has redemption. Through the cathartic release of pain and bitterness I feel that the poet has been transformed and can start, through the the pain, to live again.

The title "Deceit" tells of us how you feel. The poem, however, does not include how or why you were deceived (or perhaps just why you felt that way).

I have a hard time with the repetition of words close together. Now is used twice in the first stanza.

There is rhyme and then there is not rhyme (two separate rhyme schemes at that). My suggestion is to pick and stay with one or the other.

S2, L1 "those milky ways" I feel like I am suppose to know what "those" are, but nothing leads me to them.

Although I feel like I know what you were trying to say in S3, I was lost on the logic.

S4 was just cliche to me. Nor did it encapsulate and wrap up the poem. There seems like a lot of work still to be done here.

Thanks,

Scott

I must say that you have done the edit it very well but I do agree that you did not reveal the act of deceit itself.

Alid

in making this poem one of the best transformed of the whole workshop! I applaud your efforts!
I really liked the last line, while it shows the utter repulsion for the lover; it also leaves the reader to add the last word as to what that last word might be. I like that! ~ Gee

but the last line appears wanting... maybe just to me..ONLY///.

my breath now rid of your foul......????!!!

also poetry
emanating from the poets of ur standing
words like piss shit etc other 4 letter words
appear demeaning
I wonder if it ever crosses your mind
raj_ sublime
be so as you rhyme

"road less traveled" That's a catchy phrase and I expect it might just catch on in time lol. If you want some alternatives "
road less worn
a fainter path
dimmer trail
near unmarked way
just some thoughts.........stan

so you will likely be surprised to see an old one pop up. I do that sometimes; look for dusty poems. It's amazing what you can find. It's like rooting through an attic. Boxes of Aunt Matilda's junk, some old sports gear, a really lovely piece of art, a painting.
A dark and frightening painting that rather sucks you into the despair felt by the subject. A graphic painting using very modern themes (rude images), it yet follows a classical structure within a competent range. Recognizable.
The whole work is comprised of many scenes and yet throughout they create a cohesive whole. One picture of many pictures.
It's probably a long, lost work by a great Master hidden up here for a hundred years.
I take pictures of these sort of things and put them on my computer, so I see them again some years later.

I have this problem with my own poetry. Sometimes it's nice and healthy to just... read. Don't listen to the meter, don't hear the rhyme, don't concern yourself with line breaks, assonance, consonance, proposition, recapitulation........

Sometimes it's nice to just come and read...
and not even comment.

If you missed my critique you didn't read very carefully nor think rather poetically. I told a very simple story with much portent.

Sometimes it is not the poet that is being judged, but the reader.

I do.