.
The metronome of time is sly,
for it ticks silently,
allowing the illusion of forever,
and then, when you least expect it,
its fabric disintegrates.
When my son died
I mourned for the baby
cried for the toddler
and grieved for the lad.
But he was a grown man
with babes of his own.
So came the realisation
everything past is dead.
'Twas only then I understood
I'd lost them long ago.
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Comments
I can tell you what I like
I can tell you what I like about this..........
I can tell you why I like what I like, but I'm not sure I can suggest any improvement.
Considering the subject matter I like the flat tone when reading it. I like the fact there is no rhyme, both those things suit the heavy sadness, the inescapable.
I like the way you've ended the lines baby, toddler, lad, man. Taking the reader through the stages of your son's life and your own cycle of mourning, crying, grieving on the same lines.
I hear the grief and the awful heavy finality. Time is not such a great healer, is it?
I think to offer suggestions for change, would be to try and change your state of mind. You are where you are and this poem is a part of that.
Other more experienced poets may feel they can add a more defined critique.
Note Jane
I always hit the I want the raw truth button
I never submit sensitive-to-me material
Thus I always appreciate any suggestions for change
This is a rough draft.... I'm still looking for the oomph factor...
I'm not in 'a place' at the moment, but thank you for thinking so, as it hopefully means that the write maybe has an authenticity I was feeling might be lacking.
Appreciate that you care *smiley face*
Love judy
xxx
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It does have that raw
It does have that raw authenticity that only experience brings.
It isn't just because of the nature of the poem I haven't suggested change, it's because I can't offer you any better suggestions.
Jx
Lol
I've just edited it.... would love to know your thoughts
xxx
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Lol and I've just read the edit
It's moved the emphasis of the poem, put it on a different foot (not a meteoric one)!
The first poem was more about the grief and 'Experience changes the who that I am.'
the second version is more about time its self, its deceit. In the second version, you seem to have come to terms with the realisation that past is gone. Second version isn't as raw, it's more polished, smoother.
Sorry, that isn't the most articulate thing I've ever written, but it's a direct, instant gut reaction. Jx
One last then
Which do you prefer...??
I actually culled it as I felt I had two different concepts going and they really belonged in seperate poems....
xxx
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I think
I prefer the second, because as you say, the first had two concepts going on. Jx
may I be permitted to add my two pence worth excuse if its pffll
We all come to go
one day
some day
any day
who first
none yet know
but believe the BUDDHA
he had said
to reduce Grief
release the Pain
to accept or else
is simple and plain
your win your gain
Thanks loved
Love judy
xxx
This is difficult
to read and even more difficult to comment on. Having said that, it is well written and cleverly constructed in three separate sections, introduction, body, conclusion. The first philosophical, the second personal, the third motivational. Once again Judy you have managed to impress.
Hi Keith
Can you explain why it was difficult to read?
Appreciate you romments
Love judy
xxx
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Simply the subject
I am not without my own losses but am of such sensitive nature I find it really hurts to see how others also suffer. Indeed, I seem to recall telling Audri it is for that reason I could never visit a Holocaust museum.
Judy,
Emotionally charged and the second
time you've had me wiping eyes today,
are you going for a record?
Love your work Judy, this is an
exceptional piece, so glad you've
shared it with us.
Richard
Hello Richard
Thanks for the read and comment.... certainly never meant to make you tear up....
I was actually thinking I might delete this, as everytime I read it I feel it hasn't quite said what I want to....
So I really appreciate that you got something from it
Love judy
xxx
raw feelings
of motherhood.
again well expressed indeed dear Judy.
thank you Rula
for the visit and kind comment...
Love judy
xxx
.
Hi
You say you are seeking the oomph factor. Well that should be in the last line I think. And the set up should be contained in the next to last stanza. Hmmmmmmmmm..............(means I'm thinking long and hard).................Last line......something like" that metronome also tics for me" ...or something similar.....BTW the meter's off here and there lol..stan
Hi
You say you are seeking the oomph factor. Well that should be in the last line I think. And the set up should be contained in the next to last stanza. Hmmmmmmmmm..............(means I'm thinking long and hard).................Last line......something like" that metronome also tics for me" ...or something similar.....BTW the meter's off here and there lol..stan
hi Stan
Thanks for the thoughts... I'll store them in my thoughts-for-editing file....
Love judy
xxx
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