Dear mom,

I’m afraid to tell you that I love you
and I am so afraid to let you go.

I’m afraid to tell you how it killed me inside
when you invited
my abuser
to lunch.
You knew what he did to me.

I’m afraid to tell you
about the struggles,
the pain, the trauma
I’ve been through
because you caused it all.

I’m afraid to tell you that
you don’t love me.
You believe that you do
and I don’t have the energy to argue.

I’m afraid to tell you
how much I crave your love.
I just want to know
what it feels like.

I’m afraid to tell you
I want to leave.
I want to leave you behind
for the rest of my life
and never look back.

Here’s the real problem,
even if I get over this fear,
even if I tell you,
you won’t care.
You won't ever change.
And I can’t tell you that
I love you anyway.