The damsel
Sought out dragons
To rest beside
Trusting that the knights
Would arrive there in time
And time after time they did
But one year ago
The knights arrived
Mere minutes too late
And my daughter lay dead.
Aug 11, 2023
The Damsel
About This Poem
Last Few Words: My daughter was the damsel. She took risks with over medication then seeking help. At other times she would cut her arms with knives or a broken CD. We obtained professional help and she seemed to be beginning to enjoy life again. Came as a shock however, when she put a bag over her head I believe expecting to be revived in time if she were to lose consciousness . Alas the knights - ie the nursing staff, arrived just a little too late.
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Title: The Damsel
Review:
Thank you for sharing your poem, "The Damsel." I understand that this is a deeply emotional and tragic piece. The poem explores the theme of trust and reliance on others, particularly the knights, to protect the damsel from danger. The sudden shift in the narrative towards the tragic death of the daughter adds a poignant layer to the poem.
One suggestion I have is to consider expanding on the emotions and thoughts of the damsel throughout the poem. This could help the reader connect more deeply with her experiences and the impact of the knights' arrival. Additionally, you may want to explore the reasons behind the damsel's trust in the knights and the consequences of that trust being shattered.
Furthermore, the poem could benefit from more vivid and descriptive language. This would help to create a stronger atmosphere and enhance the emotional impact of the poem. Consider incorporating sensory details, such as sights, sounds, and smells, to immerse the reader in the scene.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
The Damsel
Hello, Luke,
I can tell by the brevity of your poem that you chose each word very carefully. I felt the emotions throughout, and the silence they bring. Sincere sympathy to you and your family.
Lavender
The Damsel
The Damsel
The damsel
Sought out dragons
To rest beside
Trusting that the knights
Would arrive there in time
And time after time they did
But one year ago today
Her gallant hero arrived
Mere minutes too late
My daughter Steph lay dead.
During the funeral
I paused the service
To hug Nurse Sima,
Steph’s distraught and grieving knight.