I, whose mold and caste
Clan of kin is caste
In cold clod
And bold
In love
Be it told
Be it known to all and ends
Hence I tell this truth
In tone
In tune
In crystal wording…
I, whose cast mould
Clan and skin is caste
In dust
Sod and cold-
Paint you in gold-
That in the clime of the brightest
Of shiny array, where all glimmer
You’ ill dazzle and glow…
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Jackweb
Just visiting so far unvisited poems & found this lovely work. I really like it, it has a load of potential & makes me want to read more of you.
I quite like it the way it is, but if you are looking for critique, the only thing I'd offer might be the change the word "shiny" to shining... just seems a tiny bit more potent to me... also wondered in that last line... "You’ ill dazzle and glow…" should it be ..You'll dazzle & glow, or You, I'll dazzle & glow... or You will dazzle & glow... ? I kind of like the latter, but it should be up to you of course.
I love people like you...
... that discovers weak lines in poetry. It would build the poet's creativity. I appreciate you for going through my poem. i love criticism especially in work of art. If i don't get critique it makes me feel all is well in the poem. Good pointer to the lines you just pin point.
Good to meet people like you.
Thanks! thanks!! thanks!!!
I love reading this
I love reading this poem. Word usage and play is wonderful. Gives me some ideas for my work. Only thought is the meaning came across as a little obscure. Thank you
Thank you too
thank you too for reading through. Most times a word or a line from someone's poetry might trigger a beautiful line of poetry.