He made them by the dozen and so swift.
Quite unremarked the cups all seemed to be.
A haggle, then Denarii, then the gift
is taken for the slave’s new bride to be.
Upon a Sunday morning brisk and cold,
they watch a crowd lay palm leaves for a man
who rides upon an ass, yet seeming bold.
Another huckster, think they, with his clan.
A night of turmoil, fear and wrongful threats;
they beat him ‘til his flesh is stripped from him.
Upon the tree he bleeds, the cups are wet.
The old man casts the fullest as a whim.
A young boy steals it. He will sure not tell.
The cup will serve his hungry family well.
Comments
hi
This poem brings up dialect and how it affects such strict forms as this. i have heard "family" pronounced with both 2 and three syllables............stan
It is one of those indeed.
As recent as last year I would have written it as a contraction to get my "two" syllables, but listening to people around the barn (who have multiple dialects) I decided it was but two syllables. Then I had to deal with the aesthetics. Does "family" look better than "fam'ly"? There are a lot of these words, but I think if we don't write in out natural dialect we do our poetry a disservice. Without our native tongue it is not necessarily OUR poetry. And then I will assume the reader will read "naturally" enough as to not even notice the correct spelling with its confused metric decision.
Seems to be
an off the cuff writing if you know what I mean sir.
liked the tale and the ending.
Not sure about the use of "Quiet" as an unstressed beat.
and remember, identical rhyming is NOT allowed in sonnets [be & be] in Stanza 1. Also [threats & wet].
and LOL, this of course doesn't say that my sonnet is perfect. Please let me know what you think sir.
It is indeed "off the cuff".
Pugilist wanted fast, not necessarily good. I don't write well under pressure and it shows here.
However, I'm fascinated by the concept and may have to expand this. Three stanza was not nearly enough.
well written
I like that you have used the grail as your subject for the cup - I don't think that I would've been clever enough to think of a subject that raises the post as this....
Contrary to your 'last few words', I think the missing parts are well inferred to anyone who knows the story.... to tell the story to someone who doesn't know it would require more than a sonnet... I would be disappointed if you expanded this - I think the sonnet version works so well.
As for the form ... apart from the misses in perfect rhyme - be/be and threats/wet - I find no great faults.... 'and so swift' , if anything - but it still runs off my tongue ok....
I enjoyed this write, Wes
Love judy
xxx