Weary
and long days
chaos abounds
choked thoughts
cuffed in words
behind war bars
How could
poetry
be even versed.
Feb 19, 2018
This poem is part of the workshop:
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form
Cuffed poetry (Sunku Workshop)
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Rula
Hi Rula
how well you have challenged your mind to come up with this lovely Sunku. I thought "Weary" could be a good substitute for "hairy"....it is likely that for some good reason you may have preferred "hairy" over "weary"...
Importantly you have made the reader perceive the situation you have created giving a sense of suffocation
I suggest you read the blog posted today by IRiz which speaks about the aesthetics
So good to know that i was right in inviting you to this Workshop..
Happily...
Dear raj
Thank you so much for the support. I really wanted to use hair day for "bad days" I think I missed use it , so I'll change as soon as I decide to edit .
Happy to know that you think this one works for the shop.
Thank you again.
Dear Rula
Yes...most certainly your poem works good for the workshop series and it makes me hungry for more of such cookies :)
Cheers!
Hello Rula
Thank you for your poem.
It has a distinct voice.
The first word catches attention.
It prepares a reader to hear an unpleasant truth.
How I wish thoughts could be free from the constraints of language and culture.
I am sending you my bold telepathic hello.
Bold world
No shadows
Open thoughts, no words
Freedom
Openness
Nothing to hide
If only
my head is
less transparent
syllables
2 3 and 4
right !!!!!
my mind ==2
may now stitch= ==3
some tonite====4
right?????
How kind of you
Thank you for sharing your heart.
It means a lot dear.
Highly appreciate
the spot on suggestion and the kind visit Mark.
Have done the edit
Thank you.
sunku and haiku
haiku
all know is about
nature mostly
and
5 7 5=17 syllables
Sunku
as I understood
it has no limitations of words (or syllables)
except
first line==single syllable
second line two
and third 3
or
may be
2 3 and 4 ....
Iriz
creator
may clarify more.
I am not too good at counting syllables
nor do I have the time checking with google
that is why as you know
my Sunku limitations
at my age
NOW I am too busy
WINDING UP for my
PROGENY
I will be in 8th grade
soonly
It is generally 2-3-4
It is generally 2-3-4
with deviations allowed
Sunku has no limitations in words and themes
but keeps close to zen-like thinking valueing
three principles Simplicity, Focus on Presence, Imperfection.
Total nine syllabi per each stanza and total nine lines per poem are also important.
thanks IRis
2 3 and 4
shall follow
9 lines in all
ok 4 sure