Picked up sealed orders
at agent central today
Black ops has my number,
they know I don't play.
The field where I shine
a plane ride makes near
Air France is landing
unloading my gear
Long deep intake of breath
slowly expel out the mouth...
Quiet steps following
From north country headed south.
Catching site of my prey
in the blue ice fields cold.
Glare stabs watering eyes,
I am now shielded in time.
Marksman ahead, zeroing in
slow intake of air, a silent breath...
Still as a statue, squint of eye
squeeze of the trigger applies his death.
Another "hit" mastered and had!
a shot fired for freedom's loud cry,
another game of cat vs. mouse
rival lying bleeding and dying,
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Crosshairs" effectively uses descriptive language to create a vivid image of a sniper's experience. The use of short, concise lines contributes to the tension and suspense, mirroring the sniper's own focus and precision.
However, there are areas that could be improved. The phrase "slow intake of air, a silent breath" is somewhat redundant, as it repeats the idea of breathing from the first stanza without adding new information or perspective. Consider revising this line to provide additional insight into the sniper's mindset or physical experience.
The line "another game of spy vs. spy" is a bit jarring, as it introduces a new concept (spies) that hasn't been mentioned before in the poem. If the sniper is indeed intended to be a spy, consider incorporating this idea earlier in the poem to create a more cohesive narrative.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. Many lines begin with a verb, which can become repetitive. Experimenting with different sentence structures could make the poem more engaging and dynamic.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Cat and Mooses!
An interesting subject, this. Although dealing with death inflicted, there is no personal investment into the act other than pride in the craft. Very different from an "eddy" poem.
A couple suggestions:
In the 3rd verse, lines 2 and 4 both end with "test". Might I suggest that line 2 be re-written as "to demonstrate I am best".
In the last verse, perhaps line 3 would be better as "another game of cat and mouse".
Dear Steven,
Thank you for suggesting these changes. I have employed them,
Thanx, Cat
Although...
I would say this is more like prose, and a story, I like the premise. A secret assassin, that goes off on short notice to make the world a safer place, by eliminating an enemy sniper. I think that you need to shorten some lines and change a few words here and there to make this smoother. Examples:
Picked up sealed orders
at agent central today
Black ops has my number,
they know I don't play.
The field where I shine
a plane ride makes near
Air France is landing
unloading my gear
Secret agent lady wins again!
~ Geez.
.
Dear Geezer,
I was trying to edit my poem when I got the boot from my server. my keyboard seemed to lock up and I could not get back on??? for about 5 hours. It was very strange. I will try to fix it tomorrow as I am worn out now!
* love to the guys, Cat