An hour or so this room was full of noise;
the telly's volume's maximized- up up.
You know about the zealous teenage boys,
as they watch a game of champions' league cup.
Here's a kick, but not as yet a goal,
a yellow card and that's a clear off side,
the players running; all want the ball,
with full energy they'll forever guide.
The teasing hot, despite the cold ice cream,
the popcorn, and soft drinks- earlier served,
A thrilling night's about to end the screams
of fans, for triumph, that's perfectly deserved.
Though this might seem about a football match,
it holds a glimpse of life I wished to catch.
Comments
A sonnet
Rula,
I have no idea how many sonnets you have written but if this is your first then take a bow, especially since you are not writing in your first language. I really like this and hate to seem like a syllable counting miser but in this case I am pointing out where the flow is being adversely effected.
An hour or so this room was full of noise; Brilliant
the telly's volume's maximized- up up. Again ecellent
You know about the zealous teenage boys, And again
as they'd watch a game of champions' league cup. good but why they’d - they?
Here's a kick, but not as yet a goal, Brilliant
a yellow card and another off side, and one gone offside?
the players running; all want the ball,
with full energy they'll forever guide. too many syllables - always guide
The teasing goes hot, despite the cold ice cream, drop goes
the popcorn, and soft drinks- earlier served,
A thrilling night's about to end the screams
of fans, for triumph, that's perfectly deserved. syllabes - so well deserved
Though this might seem about a football match,
it holds a glimpse of life I wished to catch.
keith
So much appreciate your time. In fact it isn't my first sonnet, BUT, I haven't written for months and haven't written in strict meter for ages. I won't let your effort go for nothing and shall soon amend the meter where affected as suggested.
I however haven't mentioned that it's a sonnet because it wasn't meter my main concern. If you read my "last few words", you'd find that I am seeking two things, the title and how vivid is the description. It is something I am working on (atm) and would appreciate any related feedback that would help inthe future, if not with this one.
Thank you again.
TV Soccer
or
Couch Players
or
Screen Game
or
Teenage Joys (male)
or
Boys at Play
A few ideas to play with for title
As to the description, it is vivid indeed. One could almost be in the doorway looking in.
Thank you Mr. Logan
I did some edits..
Appreciate the help with the title. Grateful... Always.
Hi Rula
Looks like you are smitten once again by the Sonnet bug :) I liked the imagery but as you know I had nightmares with this poetry form. As for the suggestion of Title something totally out of box could be "Thrill Pill"...
Regards,
Gentlemen!
Your kind offerings made it a harder decision. Believe me I like all the suggested titles and the "Thrill Pill", well raj I am honest if I say I am trying to think of something even more thrilling to deserve such a title. It's absolutely an "out of the box" offering.
Can't thank you enough
Regards
Re freshing!
I ..in school in public played soccer...actually led the small rabble pack
enough to know I had that natural ability...wasnt as talented as some
but soccer is skill and..stratedgy and of course ur mates..
the poem brings alive the thrill
the snacks..telly over radio or cell phone..but still exciting!
I remember a mens shelter stay...they let the jail youth out on
friday and they took the tv over from the oldsters
hocky nite in canada! what ruckus!
and fun..
I think Rugby would have been even more exciting but
they didnt have it for us then...
years later on a feild in a city I found an almost expensive
rugby ball and kept it!
gave it to someone with kids later!
my uncle was big on football...a large thoughtfilled man
president of cliffside construction then...now aceon
the one time he came alive when he visited my mom
and dad with his wife my aunt was the cfl play offs..
the zealots yell of the sport and animation!!!!
it is a battle form of a sort indeed!
ur poems celebrate life Rula
always appreciate reading your works
thank U
if this piece
could evoke all the memories, I should be then really honored Steve. Really appreciate your kind visit.
What I didn't mention is that I played football when I was a kid and it always thrilled me more than any other game though that wasn't popular for the girls in that time. Still I find some muse in watching some matches for some particular teams, to mention some Real Madrid, Barchalona and Arsenal, though never biased to any :)
Rula peermit me to add on
irrespective of the technicality
this is a sonnet
so lovely
ababcdcdefefgg
rest heaven knows I know nothing
but
I am '''seeds''' of poetry
not available in any nursery
so just smell my fragrance
kindly let me be
that poet tree
where many come
to find shade beneath
believe me I am the only single one
ever born under
the sun
not by just any son!
Where have you been?
Where have I been?
Where other have I read this? It is familiar. And sweet in a riotous sort of way.
Personally, I don't understand futbal (not even how 'tis rightly spelled) and watch American football each season. My only sport. Never played it.
I'm sorry I have been away. I need to be back.
I need to set off a bomb.
Oh
Welcome back sir. Welcome back.
Have I said welcome back?
Then welcome back
And many thanks for the visit
You have already set off a bomb.