judyanne

Sep 10, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

(Read More...)

collected

the departure
unexpected

a solitary witness who
owned only three summers
unperturbed
said, ‘Nana's gone to sleep
and won't wake up’

then
displaying childhood's acceptance of
all things new
spoke nothing more of it

until, at the wake
in the deceased’s sunny kitchen
was heard to
whisper to
her siblings and cousins

‘our nana fell down on the floor
right there, and’
(she wriggled her small fingers
high in the air)
‘all the pretty lights and ladies came’

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

Comments

sad memories

linger forever and this is no exception dear judy

I loved very much the personification in
until, at the wake
in the deceased’s sunny kitchen
was heard to
whisper to
her siblings and cousins

Can't be more effective

I also liked especially the last line with the alliteration in 'light' and 'ladies'
Hope this writing has given you a relief as the departure of dears leave usually a grief especially when it is unexpected.

perhaps you have misread this rula

because what you have read as personification isn't that...

or maybe i need to look at it again

but this is really meant to be a happy story about adults hearing a child say she saw 'lights and ladies' come and get her nana when she died

- supposed to be inspirational to anyone looking for hints of life after death

thanks - do tell me where i went wrong, if you can see

love judy
xxx

Yes,sorry

I have misread dear judy the word "the wake" as a noun- which as I've just looked up in the dictionary means ' A vigil held over a corpse the night before burial'
another cultural, religion difference that misled my read after.

Thanks for the clarification
and sorry again if I unintentionally misread. :)

that's how the term 'wake' originated

- relatives and friends staying awake and watching over the body

the irish turned it into a party

and now it is usually referred to the meeting up over food and drinks after the funeral, to console the family and is seen as a chance to reminis over the good times

xxxx

Dear Judy,

Your poem gives me hope in its suggestion that there is more to death than nothingness. The ending has a magical quality to it. So, I bet you can guess which lines I liked best!

love, Cat

dear cat

so lovely to see you and so glad you are feeling better

thank you for the lovely comments about my write
hugs
judy
xxx

Hi Judy

Well this one really got to me..........I'll come back later............stan

hi stan

i look forward to that :)
love judy
xxxx

finally made it over to this!

my only suggestion is that perhaps the "she",
in "(she wriggled her fingers...)" is redundant?

such a gorgeous write j!
i love everything about this
subject
structure
expression
word choice
simplicity

everything

i find it charming
it has an innocent profundity, thanks to using
the child's eyes and voice, that for me, makes this write
work so, so well

LOVE it

cheers
p

thank you so very much p

for the very supportive comment
i'll look at that 'she'

love judy
xxx

Hi Judy

Took me long enough to return lol. This one still gets to me. But there is one little thing I'd change. 4th stanza has those two to's at the end of two succesive lines.maybe :
was heard
whispering to...........................would work? ..............................stan

hi stan

thanks

i'm not sure that i don't like the two 'to's ... i did consider them as i wrote this (as you know i usually object to the same words too close) but i liked the way it slows the write..

i'll have another think
love judy
xxx