In the upper floor of a two level Duplex
Norma and I did reside, together alone.
Her arrival at just past six a.m.,
Getting ready for school, I bemoaned;
I wanted to "move," Get the Hell out
find someplace not haunted," too late
sister Kathryn and family moved in below,
I fear the meaning of the words on the slate.
To Norma, I said: "This house is haunted
by a vile and murderous black soul!"
I did not think she would believe me
She hushed me hard, saying, "yes I know!"
Kathryn came charging up the stairs
using her key, she opened the door...
clambering up, she went into a ranting,
about it being so cold these linoleum floors!
I needed to tell Norma of my discovery
while using the walk-in-closet that morning.
With Kathryn there, Norma and I stopped,
a resentment for my oldest sister was forming.
She was beginning to be a real irritation,
I could forgive her the brain power she lacked
Everything was urgent to her, taking her to Norma,
She was certainly an easy nut to be cracked.
She went back down to tend to her small family
Norma and I both breathed a sigh of relief.
I was afraid she would brush off my tale,
as my vivid fancy, but in her eyes was belief...
Inside the bathroom's walk-in -closet was a cot.
Shelves in front two held towels and bedding,
with a pull string light dangling overhead,
and strangely, old photographs of a wedding.
one photo bore the face of the man, our Ghost!
Norma asked me to show her what I had found.
I plucked the album from its dusty place,
icy shiver shot up my spine, as I hit the ground!
Norma came running at the sound of my fall,
on helping me up, there was a very cold spot.
In the center of the room It appeared to be.
As we took it from its place He bellowed a shot!
The dark Veil began to lift from my sanity,
with Norma as witness, I was not losing my mind.
This evil spirit had it in for me, a bone to pick
we were enemies, "The house" and I in kind!
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem's narrative structure is commendable, as it effectively conveys the story and the suspenseful atmosphere. However, the poem could benefit from more consistent rhythm and meter to enhance the reading experience.
The poem also uses direct speech, which adds a layer of realism to the narrative. However, the punctuation within the dialogue could be improved for clarity. For instance, in the line "I wanted to "move," Get the Hell out," it would be clearer if the comma after "move" was inside the quotation marks.
The poem could also benefit from a more consistent use of capitalization. In some lines, words are capitalized in the middle of sentences, which can disrupt the flow of the poem and confuse the reader. For instance, in the line "Everything was urgent to her, taking her to Norma," the word "Everything" is capitalized in the middle of the sentence, which is not standard in English grammar.
The poem's use of imagery is effective in conveying the eerie atmosphere of the haunted house. However, the poem could benefit from more varied and detailed descriptions to further immerse the reader in the setting and the story.
Lastly, the poem ends on a strong note, leaving the reader with a sense of unease and suspense. However, the final line could be clarified to better convey the poem's conclusion. For instance, the phrase "we were enemies, "The house" and I in kind!" could be rephrased for clarity.
Overall, the poem effectively tells a suspenseful story, but could benefit from improvements in rhythm, punctuation, capitalization, imagery, and clarity.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Typical Kathryn!
It is what I would have expected from Kathryn. She was one of the most self-centered people I have ever met and everything wrong was somebody elses fault.
Aside from that, would it make any sense to, perhaps, give some details to the man in the picture? I'm not sure how much you remember of that and I'm not sure it would add to the poem. Definitely a scary tale, though.
Yep!
Norma tried to shield her from the real world most of the time. I told her that kathryn would probably come across Him sooner or later. Maybe preparing her might be helpful. Kathryn was listening to our conversation from outside the door. She got what she deserved! later her fear of the basement would be to my advantage, lol!
*hugs, Cat
I Know...
My punctuation is deplorable and I will be dealing with it!
Hey Cat, spooky. I liked it.
Hey Cat, spooky. I liked it. It needs a tidy up but you know that. I understand you have to get it all down. Take a deep breath, relax and take your time. Your ability to revise and improve will soon come to the surface.
Great stuff with a lot of potential. Ruby :) xx
Dear Ruby,
Thank you for reading and leaving me with a positive comment. I need to step back from this one, read it over several times and apply repairs as needed. I appreciate both your comment and understanding; in time it will come.
*hugs, Cat
Always my pleasure to read
Always my pleasure to read and comment on your work. It is compelling as it is a real life story. For me it was like opening a window to your past, chilling as it was. Let me know when you update it in the future. Ruby :) xx
In the Works
I have something I am writing, but it is not ready yet. I will let you know when I post it. I may still have a bit of work left on this. Thank you Ruby, you have been very supportive.
*hugs, Cat xxx
Yep...
I'm outta there. I felt your energy, Cat!
L
Hey Lavender,
After editing, color me gone, too!
*xxx, Cat