Frozen in eternity; on a faux wood bed
Contracted, bluish; stuck to the pillow under your head
Too long; too gone, if only I had known
Maybe you wouldn't have died alone
I'll never forget trying to roll you flat
But you had given up long before that
Necrotic images burned in my head
How did he not know you were dead
I can't unsee it, God knows it isn't right
But I can still feel how you felt that night
Your choices forebode of what was to be
And now you will forever haunt me
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Cold" presents a vivid and chilling narrative that effectively conveys a sense of loss, regret, and haunting memories. The use of stark, physical imagery, such as "Contracted, bluish; stuck to the pillow under your head" and "Necrotic images burned in my head," creates a strong emotional impact.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent meter to enhance its rhythm and flow. For instance, the line "How did he not know you were dead" disrupts the rhythm established in the previous lines. A possible revision could be "How could he not know of your death" to maintain the iambic meter.
In terms of content, the poem might benefit from additional exploration of the speaker's relationship to the deceased. The current version leaves this somewhat ambiguous, which may be intentional. However, providing more context could enhance the emotional depth and resonance of the poem.
Lastly, the poem's theme of regret and haunting memories is well established, but the final line "And now you will forever haunt me" may be considered too direct. Consider using more subtle or symbolic language to convey this idea, which could make the ending more powerful and thought-provoking.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Cold
Hello, Carrie,
A very appropriate title - I feel the sensation. Three brief stanzas filled with discomfort and sorrow, along with emptiness. So sorry if this has actually happened.
L
This is
Unfortunately a true story and my first experience of that nature, last week. A tragic, senseless loss and I'm not sure I will ever recover. Today is day 4 since it happened and I am slightly better than the previous days. I still can't get my mind around it though.
Carrie,
I'm so very sorry...
L
Thank you L
Today was a little better so hoping each day gets easier. I am just not sure I will ever fully get over it.
This must have been a very
This must have been a very harrowing experience. It will take time, you can't fight it, go with your grief, and accept the way it is. It will take time, give yourself the time you need and the space. Your words, in particular your poetry will help you get through this. Just write as a form of expression. Use the strength you have within, take care and stay safe, Ruby xx