My head aches from endless cogitations,
eyes full of unshed tears bluring vison,
A little heart burdened with the load of unreflected love,
love athsma makes breaking a difficulty,
unreplied loves the:
most painful punishment, worst form of tortue,
The skys filled with my sighs,
heaven suffers an onslaught of supplication; 'God please answer this prayer, let her love me as i love her.'
Dec 04, 2012
cogitations
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Zeus
I liked the theme of this, not sure what to say of the form it probably needs a little attention to Stanzas/verses that will make it easier to read.
Your word Asthma just needs to be sorted, other than that please write more as this is the only way to become better , Yours Ian.T
Unrequited love is the worst pain, nexxt to dry socket
may I be so presumptuous as to offer some suggestions?
My head aches from endless cogitations,
eyes full of unshed tears bluring vison,
A little heart burdened with the load of unreflected love,
love athsma makes breaking a difficulty, [asthma]
unreplied loves the: [why the colon?]
most painful punishment, worst form of tortue, [torture]
The skys filled with my sighs, [cliche]
heaven suffers an onslaught of supplication; [that's a crappy line, heaven doesn;t give a crap]
'God please answer this prayer,
let her love me as i love he [is this a gay poem? nothing wrong with that, but loving straight blokes is a futile exercise in agony]
I feel your pain, and the poem works that way, but it really needs work.
And you could really come up with a better title. Cogitations is so un-emotive