Notes from under my apathy,
Down below the crust,
Bellows of catastrophe,
Escape and evade is a must,
The cabin of my mind reaches max capacity,
Soul corrosion aura radiates rust.
The causes of it are potent,
All encompassing degree it's hung,
This is something that steals the moment,
No apologies once your bell has been rung.
All these years, blood, sweat, and tears,
Strained and stress take the blunt words,
Made them sharp, engorged and saturated in fears, countless from the years,
When your nightmares call to converge.
Notes from under my empathy,
One that is lesser known, and hardly shown,
The more pleasant sister of apathy,
Who cares enough to care at all to those known,
It gets easier as I navigate being fully grown.
Comments
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The catastrophe of apathy" explores the theme of apathy and its consequences. The imagery of being trapped beneath the surface of apathy is vivid and effectively conveys the sense of being overwhelmed. The line "Soul corrosion aura radiates rust" is particularly striking and captures the destructive nature of apathy.
The poem also touches on the causes and effects of apathy, suggesting that it steals the present moment and leaves no room for apologies once its impact is felt. The use of blood, sweat, and tears as symbols of effort and struggle adds depth to the poem, as does the mention of nightmares and fears.
The mention of empathy as the lesser-known sister of apathy is an interesting contrast. It suggests that caring and showing compassion can be a way to combat apathy. The final line, "It gets easier as I navigate being fully grown," implies personal growth and resilience in the face of apathy.
Overall, the poem effectively conveys its message and uses strong imagery
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
This started out...
marching right along with such a great lope,
that I floundered immediately when the rhythm turned into a riptide.
I had to go back and really read the words to make sure that they made sense.
But, by the time that I regained the sense of it as a whole...
It was over. I do wish that you had integreted the staggered rhythm a bit more smoothly.
I think that you could have kept all the lines within a syllable or two and still keep the thought.
Speak it aloud to yourself or someone else, No really, out loud to yourself; you will notice where things stumble.
sometimes, a syllable can get lost amongst the general noise of the rest of the line.
Sometimes, it trips the one next to it and makes the whole thing stumble. I liked the story
of learning to navigate as an adult and becoming your own person. It's tough for young people today.
As I said, I would look to smooth things out just a little. drop a syllable add one... You have a great steampunk
vocabulary, I like it! ~ Geezer.