OriginalRhyku
Sep 05, 2016

Caregiver Compassion:

Just a caring smile
Utilized once in a while
Goes the extra mile

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Staving off sickness with a Smile

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Asia India

Favorite Poets: Rabindranath Tagore

More from this author

Comments

V

It is good. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted (Aesop).
'Smile' is one syllable. You may check it out at https://www.howmanysyllables.com/wordprocessor. So, the first line has only 4 syllables. I also put up a haiku (rhyku). Please take a look at it and let me know your view. Thank you.

O

Thanks Vivovon and Remark for pointing out that my smile was off by a syllable. I have just turned on the smile and it is there for your helpful input.

Sparrow

A good write and as is, is correct 5-7-5 but there are differences between the USA syllables and the ordinary English, English so on some Senyru or Haiku there will be the odd discrepancy, this is talked about a lot.
It is fine which ever way it is written English or American check as the original Japanese had a little leeway built in, Poetic licence, Yours Ian..

V

Yes. I agree with Keith. "Utilized" is a bit hard and heavy in the flow. As we have to keep 5/7/5, I suggest as follow. How does it sound? Finding a meaningful, pretty and soft word is always difficult.

Just a caring smile
Even if once in a while
Goes that extra mile

O

Vivovon, Keith, appreciate your poetic suggestions. The reason for using utilized is the transition from a second hard syllable into a third soft syllable similar to a smile transforming a hard situation into a soft agreeable state.

O

Vivovon, Keith, appreciate your poetic suggestions. The reason for using utilized is the transition from a second hard syllable into a third soft syllable similar to a smile transforming a hard situation into a soft agreeable state.