A child is taken away from her family,
stripped of her sense of security,
her innocence ripped away by servants of greed
as they turned her life into a living nightmare,
forcing her into the filthy trade of the flesh.
Shackled by the lusts of men
she is caged by her own fears....
Without her freedom, she is only a slave
with a broken will,
scarred for life, forever.....
Last Few Words: I am eager to receive your feedbacks.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Khalid
Your sensitivities, humane nature and pain points breathe through this poem. I could feel the anguish which you have attempted to profile...
Hi Raj
I am called to write this poem after reading an article about child prostitution. I am also trying to write about broken homes and pollution to let out my frustrations and to have more variety in my poetry.Writing about the good memories are fine but I don't want to limit myself to that genre even as I try to learn the English language better.Tell me if you think I can improve on this..
Alid
I will certainly take a re
I will certainly take a re-look and see if I can make a few suggestions...
ur a kind man -----awakening to the world of sex trade
the most ancient trade
to alleviate poverty
even till today
but continue to your mind display
your thoughts may wind into a merrier way
have a good day
from disasters of sex
stay
far far far away
thank you
for the feedback.will look into it.
Wow Alid
I don't think you need any hints on how to add emotion to a poem! This one is cram packed with the stuff! I don't think there is anything I could say or advise that would make it any better!
Keep it up - brilliant stuff
Love Mand xxxxx
P.s This was a quick read, cos I have to work - will get back to you tomorrow.
Alid
I don't like rewriting poems of others, this is just a very rough outline for you to find the separate Stanzas to make points and let the piece flow into those that read.
Sometime repetition is one way to do this, as with the changing first lines.
This subject needs a lot of words but only repeat the anger of the first line and build it up as you say why you are so angry and point the blame.
We had a documentary on this subject the other day, where parents are aware also of what is going on and it is still not stopped.
Then I think that whoever governs these areas must be punished for allowing things like this to go on.
(Have removed this part as it seems intrusive to the author)
Take care out there and have a look into the many forms of poetry,
I shall have to reinstate my a-z for a while, Yours Ian.T
hello ian
Thank you very much. i like your version better.
Alid
Alid
Mine is just to show you a different look on layout and form, I shall remove this one as soon as you have edited your poem, it is your theme and my piece is just a guide, Yours Ian.T
hello ian
think i post your version with the same title so i can compare and revise to study both of them. instead.
Hello Ian
i've posted your suggestion for my as a second post for revision.Thank you for the lesson..
alid.
Hello Khalid
I can't remember where I've read that you wanted this as a submission for Wesley's workshop.. If so, please you need do the following:
1, press the "edit" button and go down to the "Workshop Window".
2. Choose the "Complete Poem-from Start to Finish
4. Add (The Complete Poem WS) to your title, (so that others will comment on this as a workshop poem)
4. Don't forget to save your work again.
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask and I shall and others come to comment more on this as a workshop poem soon.
Hi Rula
will it be alright?. i mean you did suggest that i post in 'Facing Limitation", for the workshop so that is what I did.
Alid
Your other poem is fine for the workshop.
This one doesn't need be in the workshop to be critiqued.
The subject and your language is sound, but as with the other poem I don't care for the meter. The bouncing back and forth in different meters makes the poem somewhat stilted and not smooth.
This, of course, is only how I perceive it, but I feel the poem would benefit greatly from a specific and consistent meter that allowed it to roll "trippingly" off the tongue.
I hope you have some questions for me. I'm half dying to help you if you would not feel offended.
Hi Wes
I am here to learn, so being offended is not in my list. How else can one learn if one refuse to listen to criticisms and good advice? What do you mean by bouncing back and forth in meters? How will you write it to make it smooth? Please show me an example of a specific and consistent meter so that I can get the idea of it.
Alid
My reading.
My reading.
Please forgive faults and errors,
I'm trying to do a reading for everyone in the workshop.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1mrAxxmceYU
It's a good thing you have nothing else to do.
I believe the term is LOL.
Thank you. I think this is invaluable to everyone, myself included.
do I perceive something snarkey in that comment?
despite the LOL.
I have perhaps been over-cautious in interfering to the point of not contributing.
Get real.
I meant you were dedicating a helluva lot of time and effort. I for one appreciate, but when do you sleep?
sleep?
[scurries off to look up this strange word in the dictionary]
thanks