raj

Jan 07, 2014

Boy! it smells so good!

Close the door, sit down
till knuckles on the door sound
"Hey there hurry up"

Stand up, open the door
Scowl above sound of the drain
"Hey you messed it up"

Disinfect the mind
brood over a piping brew
for something to chew

When nature calls again

Unleash the garbage
with a carefree resounding
burp of the verses

"Boy!, it smells so good"

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

raj

You had better eat at home, or did you???
Who did you blame, then you said it smells so good.
A paradox of reality versus kindness lol.
Take care, Yours Ian.T

thanks for the read...actually my attempt is to portray the phases an amateur goes through a) when he seeks quality time and space (like in a rest room) to think of an idea b) how it gets obliterate through disturbances c) need to pull out of the disappointment and churn up a new idea d) once there is time and space to work on it again till there is a smooth flow of verses and e) finally "burp" in the context of elation & relief "Boy! it smells so good"...lol...

Thanks to the explanation, I

Thanks to the explanation, I finally got what this poem was about. Is it a problem if our readers don't get the idea we want to communicate?

I think it is a real problem in this case

There is a saying, about vain people "He thinks his shit doesn't stink". This poem seems to carry it to the point of coprophilia.

Exactly Jess. That was the

Exactly Jess. That was the direction of my interpretation, and it disturbed me so much I declined to comment earlier.

Perhaps I need to take the

Perhaps I need to take the critiques seriously and unpublish this one if this is perceived to be disturbing. Thanks to all though for taking time to read and critique

disturbing is usually a good thing in poetry, raj

however based on misunderstanding it is unfortunate.
Re-write rather than unpublish.

although I rather suspect

you are being disingenuous.
Surely you were aware of how it sounded?
I mean the poem would be funny if intended so, along the lines of "that inspriation felt like it needed to come out, it might stink but better out than in"

Let me know if you would like me to go through it with you, Raj

to either explain, enhance or remove scatalogical references.
Some people are as dumb as a box of hammers, you, I know, are very intelligent, so I can only imagine you are missing some cultural references.

Hi raj

I think this is a perfect example of brevity being carried a bit too far. Most readers are lazy like me. You need a few more words here and there to clarify what you're trying to convey I think. Having read your explanation ( I always feel like I've failed when I have to explain one of my poems) I think the intent is good here but needs a bit more work. Don't unpublish this, just give it a bit more thought then do an edit............stan