Bliss (original)
most of all, I miss our mingled laughter...
traveling the telephone lines,
burning away the many miles
of the abyss of distance between us,
your heart and mine.
your envisioned smile
took me to an elevated state of bliss...
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Bliss (suggested changes)
Bliss
most of all, I miss our shared laughter...
traveling the telephone lines,
banishing the many miles
of the abyss between,
your heart and mine.
your imagined smile
took me to an elevated state of bliss...
Comments
abyss of distance
you seem to have converted
hurt into laughter ,
in a while
to make life worthwhile
from bliss to bliss
Oh miss!
great abyss
Dear Loved,
Thank you for your read and comment :)
always, Cat
a very nice....
...contemplative read. Plus, I too, know of that, elevated state.
Cheers,
doc.
Dear Doc,
Thank you for your nice comment.
always, Cat
beautiful cat
'I miss our mingled laughter...
,,, traveling the telephone lines,
burning away the many miles
of the abyss of distance between us,
your heart and mine.'
evokes so any menories in so few words
love it
nothing to crit
- but i wonder if you need 'of distance'?
why not just 'the abyss between us'?
love judy
xxx
Thanks, Judy!
I'm glad you enjoyed my little blurb of prose. I will have to think about your suggestion. I'll wait and see if anyone else mentions it. maybe I should have said "physical distance"? It is always a pleasure to get a visit from you. Thank you.
love, Cat
Ah Cat!
isn't bliss always an elevated state? Liked the tautological use of symbols and am want to reminisce on a little "blissful" encounter myself! ;)
Nice work!
Dear Boni,
Yes! Bliss is the best high I know of and it is all natural! Thank you for your comment.
always, Cat
The blissful feeling of
The blissful feeling of listening to the laughter and voice of a loved one expressed so nicely here..after all bliss is a state of mind irrepressible by the physical distance..
Dear raj,
So nice to see you! I hope you have been well. Thank you for reading and commenting :)
always, Cat
I to,
I to like this Cat, but everytime i read it i want to take away, (of distance.) So it would read. burning away the many miles of the abyss betweeen us, your heart and mine. I think it reads better this way, but either way it's still great. Love Roscoe..
Thank you Roscoe,
for reading and your suggestion. Yours is the second for removing the word "distance" so I shall eliminate it. Thank you!
love, Cat
Hi Cat
I like it just as it is but since you asked for suggestions I'll supply some alternatives :
line 1 could say shared instead of mingled (might denote a more intimate feel)
line 3 Try Banishing the many miles (just an alternative)
line4 delete "us" (less is more)
line 6 change envisioned to imagined......just an idea
As usual these are just alternatives. As I said earlier this is fine as is.............stan
Dear Stan,
I posted all of your suggestions under the original. Thank you!
always, Cat
Cat
Smart, short to the point, then I noticed that you went onto Skype at the end.
Excellent was this on purpose lol ????,
Where you could see his smile's across the miles..
Yours Sparrow...
I have to go Yenti, and Ian.T have left the Dark room, and are heading this way lol
LOL!
Thanks to Ian T. Yenti and all!
love, Cat
cool poem, nicely writ
remember you don't need to post versions, we can see them by clicking on Revisions
Thanks Jess,
I forgot about that function. silly face > :)
love, Cat