Blind Choices
my vision is clouded over,
a misty veil obscures my sight.
I frantically attempt to focus,
straining with all my might.
Wanting to be unruffled,
feelings get in the way.
Common sense is stifled
as heavily it does weigh.
Doubt rears its ugly head again,
dare I to believe,
in all that has been sacrificed
and all we could achieve?
Formidable is the gossip
destruction set free.
This time I will ignore it,
and treat it as debris
Sometimes it takes a leap of faith
to maintain the road so narrow.
One must set aside all else
continue straight as an arrow.
Jun 01, 2012
Blind Choices (rhymed) (updated)
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This poem is included in the manuscript Mirror/rorriM. All help is appreciated. thanks, Cat
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
hi cat
the main thing I would suggest is that you divide this into quatrains
what’s say, just for fun, i go through the types of rhyme you have used, since the workshop is underway we won’t waste the moment eh
sight /might. proper or true
way / weigh – approximate, identical
believe / achieved - not true as with the ‘d’ on ‘achieved
try?
‘and all we could achieve’
free / debris - approximate, consonant / assonant
narrow / arrow - in strict form not true rhyme, just as, for example, 'one' is not true rhyme with 'done' or 'come' or such, due to the lack of a consonant….
you can look those up and see if you agree with me or not :)
but all legal and to the ear rhyme imho
an interesting write... i hope that nothing untoward has happened to prompt this
a captivating write too cat - i enjoyed the read
love judy
xxx
Thank you Judy,
I have used your suggestion for that one line. I will think on breaking it into quatrains. Sorry I didn't get back to you soooner, but I have been ill. Durring this period of illness I am only on the computer for about a half hour per day, to check to see if I need greeting any new members. The poem is only a poem... no worries there. Thanks for asking.
love, Cat
A strong, inspiring message.
as heavily it does weigh. [eek, my pet peeve, inversion for rhyme]
Just on a personal note, I bridle at the last three lines. I do undertand it represents integrity to your own path, but to me it it reeks of inflexibility.
Dear Jess,
Thank you for your critique and opinions, I can understand how you would feel that way. It is trrue, when it comes to my marriage vows, I am inflexable. Otherwise I never would have taken the vows.
always, Cat
Hi Mark,
Thank you for taking the time to read and critique!
:)
Cat