scribbler
Sep 03, 2012

BETWEEN SUMMER AND WINTER

The last ragged leaves of green
are turning now to gold
on the boomer generation's tree
as all save I are getting old
with things which hang unevenly

Our autumn has slipped up on us
as summers fade into the past
quickly becoming old folks' lore
as children turn adult too fast
let's go check out the Scooter Store *

So we'll pretend we're in our youth
with lifted jowls and small sports cars
gymn memberships (and all those aches)
while ignoring saggy arms and scars
all done for vain denials' sake

Alas our autumn's passing fast
and winter always follows fall
before it clearly comes in sight
let's enjoy the autumn ball
before the final fading light

* Scooter Store : a store which specializes in motorized scooters for the elderly

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

judyanne

I’m sorry stan – the mm is here

if you are going to play with rhyme schemes, imo you need to be extra careful with the meter

I really didn’t enjoy reading this, as I wasn’t able to concentrate enough on the text and subtext due to what I found to be a very jerky write

The meter in the third and fourth stanzas did improve though

Now, would you please go check out exercise 3 for the critique workshop, so as we can move it along a bit. Thanks

love judy
xxx

S

just the 1st run on a subject I've been thinking of. I know it needs and will receive either a bit of work or maybe even rewrite . They're predicting heavy rain to day so maybe I'll get a chance to get back to that slave driver's shop lol...................stan

S

It's those little things that make the difference. You know I purposefully wrote badly just to give you something to do don't you?............................................I also have a bridge for sale lmao...............stan

loved

loved

12 years 7 months ago

how totally untrue ...
add on the dawns of 2012
and you will know
ur an added plus year old

when i read it
i enjoyed it
ignorance of metre inches and kilometres
make me blush
and so my blood does rush
i too have clicked another dawn
and the Golden metal...
has risen
so as i have little...
i collect the golden autumn leaves..
want some help
call me please ...