Hidden compartments
filled the president's table,
with secrets untold.
May 24, 2015
Bearer Of Secrets (Exploration WS haiku)
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
I like this
I have always enjoyed the conciseness of Haiku. There are a lot of takes on Haiku and a lot of rules around the form above and beyond the syllable count but as many rules as there are, there are just as many exceptions.
That said, line 2 is not as strong as it could be, particularly the entry. Overall though, I like this.
Jon
Thank you for the feedback. er... any suggestions for further improvement?
Alid
Line 2
"in the president's table,"
The beginning of this line is passive. Try an opening with more direction.
Jon
what do you think about the edit?
Alid
I thought the original line had better potential
"in the president's table," had a weak intro, but it was not a weak line.
Hidden compartments
in the president's table,
sealed secrets untold.
Try reworking the second line but keeping the reference to the president's table. I like the founded in reality message. If felt more genuine.
Jon
how about now?
Alid
This is better
it's definitely less passive.
Let it sit for a day or two and see what you think when it is not so fresh in your mind.
I loved the subject use,
but since I know nothing of haiku I cannot adequately critique.
Wes
thanks for the comment.
Alid
Ever heard of Checkov's Gun?
If you introduce an object, use it.
Hidden compartments
filled the president's table,
a tape to his head.
(I am thinking of Watergate)
Jess
mmmm.. thanks for the comment.
Alid