A searing pain from within,
Takes away my joyful grin
Battered and bruised
Yet much more pain is infused.
One of guilt and of shame
Illogical, senses to blame
Darkens my thoughts
With feelings it contorts
In moments of solitary respite
All logic seems to take flight
Pushing out sadness
Onto a mind full of madness
Yet if I stop to reflect my plight
Not giving up the fight
Regaining of hope
To enable me to cope
Last Few Words: Mental health is struggling after a bad fall. This inspired my poem.
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Battling Thoughts" explores the internal struggle of the speaker as they experience a deep emotional pain that takes away their happiness. The poem's structure is simple and straightforward, with four stanzas consisting of four lines each. The rhyme scheme is consistent, with the second and fourth lines of each stanza rhyming.
The imagery used in the poem is powerful, with the opening line describing the pain as "searing" and "from within." The use of the word "battered" suggests that the speaker has been through a lot, and the addition of "bruised" adds to the sense of physical and emotional pain. The second stanza introduces guilt and shame, which are described as illogical and capable of distorting one's thoughts and feelings.
The third stanza portrays a moment of respite, but this is quickly marred by the intrusion of sadness and madness. The final stanza sees the speaker gaining hope and determination to fight their inner demons and cope with their pain.
Overall, "Battling Thoughts" is a poignant poem that captures the complexity of internal struggles. However, the poem could benefit from some revisions. One suggested line edit would be to change "All logic seems contrite" to "All logic seems to take flight." This would maintain the rhyme scheme while also creating a stronger sense of the speaker's thoughts and emotions spiraling out of control.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
good structure!
its short but sweet. the language is pretty well done! i wish you well, and i hope you won't have to battle with your thoughts much longer