Aperture Magnified Yield

pacing for angles: track photographer
posed stationary in her depth of field
dancing with light, (life's choreographer)
crow-footed storylines airbrush concealed
motorized aperture magnified yield
fingers fluttered and shuttered in burst mode
closure, exposure; images revealed
dateless lithium batteries corrode
overpressurized high-def-cams explode
kept my eyes peeled through foggy viewfinder
color-coded overload episode
red-flashings serve as gentle reminder
framework friends/ artists with both lens and pens
bigger picture development begins

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: KY - Kentucky, USA

Comments

I have seen your work a bit

and find it well crafted, but this is a workshop site. We all post AND comment on each others poems.
I think its fair to ask you to join in, and then I would feel more comfortable spending the effort and sacrifice to offer our best take, and insightful feedback as from received from your previous works. I'm speaking for myself, but am sure others feel very much the same. We all seek to be read and I encourage your participation.

Fair and valid point. I do

Fair and valid point. I do enjoy reading (most) everyone's poetry; and would never wish to discourage anyone from writing as they feel and how they feel. Simply stated, criticism, (however gentle or otherwise), is not my strong suit and outside of my comfort zone on friendly sites. One of my reasons for joining Neopoet was to learn the technique of comment and critique. I suppose that I could post some smiley-faces on occasion when a particular poem sets my teeth on edge. Bear with me and let me experiment a little with the concept and practice. Thank you for your comments.

Definitely!

Cool.

Thanks man. Getting ready to sink my teeth into some of your work shortly. It's on my reading list. Peace.

Hi,

Thank you for sharing, great rhythm
in this piece ...

Thanks so much.

learning to comment

At your level of experiment and comprehension of the modern craft of writing it is not hard to get into posting comments. Just be honest, say what you like, what distracts you or doesn't seem to work, and try to say why. Opening up this dialogue will help you edit your own work and work through the revisions. I also read a lot of poets on poets, so many have articles and essays about other poets and you can learn so much from their approaches,and the philosophy of poetry writing. We are all learning this language called poetry, and there are linguists who help . Yes, just putting an emoji for a poem is bullshit.

The poem is experimental in a way and has a lot going for it. Each line is a complete thought, image, suggestion with good pace and word play. The last line, so important in a poem like this, falls flat for me...

Firstly as a sonnet I think it works better broken into stanzas

pacing for angles: track photographer
posed stationary in her depth of field
dancing with light, (life's choreographer)
crow-footed storylines airbrush concealed

motorized aperture magnified yield
fingers fluttered and shuttered in burst mode (meter off and tongue twisting)
closure, exposure; images revealed
dateless lithium batteries corrode

overpressurized high-def-cams explode
kept my eyes peeled through foggy viewfinder (meter off!)
color-coded overload episode
red-flashings serve as gentle reminder

framework friends/ artists with both lens and pens
bigger picture development begins

You lost me in the last line, and the slant rhyme does not resonate..

However there are many great word juxtaposition and meter... and as a "sonnet" it so nicely brings that form into a new jive, which is great.