cathy mccormick
Dec 23, 2019

and i'll remember the light

the first two poems i remember reading were christina rossetti's "remember" and her brother, dante's "sudden light". they made me fall in love with poetry. i am using accents as we use them in usa

remember i may go away one day
and maybe i will wish that i could stay
but there are seasons timed for all to live
some seasons take what nature will not give

i'll soon forget all things that made me sad
while i remember all that made me glad
i'll carry joy through all of time and space
my memory unable to erase

then when i see the light approach the day
i'll laugh for all the joy that came my way
the poets i have met who shared their parts
and also shared their deep and love-filled hearts

i will remember them from times before
we'll see the green again outside that door
christina, dante i'll still hear each thought
always in love with verse a poet caught

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: WA

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

is good, your language is too. The rhythm is a little bit ragged, but I think that you might smooth it out, by eliminating some words that do not make a difference in the meaning.

Example: Remember, I'll go away one day
and maybe I'll wish that I could stay
But, there's seasons timed for all to live
The seasons take what nature won't give

The theme is one that we all contemplate and will not ever be overdone. [Unless that's all you ever write about!]
Your logic is good and it goes well from beginning to end.
~ Geezer.
.

Peggedit

Hello Cathy
I really enjoyed this piece of writing and how it came to be.
The initial verse is almost strong enough to be read as a eulogy. In fact I may put that request into my will. ;)
Juxtaposed to the strength of the introduction, I found the second verse both paltry and somewhat childlike. Apologies but the simplistic rhyme took from the intended gravity of"a life well lived" imho.
Keep writing. You've certainly got insights to share.
Peg

Eumolpus

I would suggest in the first line,

remember i WILL go away one day.

like the word "will" in the last stanza. That immediately changes the tone from a maybe to a fact which we all can relate to, like it or not.

Certainly the rossetti's are a nice way to be introduced to poetry!

C

thanks all for the input. i wrote this using iambic pentameter so cannot remove any words from lines. using usa english accents differ from other countries. i agree it is simplistic. it was written for a site with many young people originally. i take every opportunity to put the rossetti's names in the present

S

But now I'll drop the other shoe lol. It seems in the last stanza you lost your way. Perhaps trying to fit too much meaning into too few words? Or maybe just this old fart was looking for something that was never meant to be there.........