NUMEROUNO:
I bought some spicey brown mustard
spread it on a bologna sandwich
wow! it was good
I've never been so pleased
SAUCYGIRL1:
wow?!
that's so sad
NUMERUNO:
fuck you
JAYBIRD:
stick that balony up your ass faggot
NUMEROUNO:
who the hell are you, why you hatin'
JAYBIRD:
fuck you too she just xpressin opinion
NUMEROUNO:
fuck you too, too
I like balogna
why you relatting balony to sex , perv!
JAYBIRD:
get off my world I hate you
NUMEROUNO:
jerk!
Comments
Al
I think I am missing some of the nuances of the poem as the words appear to be carefully selected. Not your fault. That's mine. This is s tough poem to truly critique because it doesn't hold to the traditions I am accustomed to. I can only offer opinion.
You drew me in early but lost me late. The conversation took an odd turn as I feel some of the characters kind of meld together. I also had to back track looking for more from saucy girl thinking I had missed it. wanted more from the instigator as it were.
like the potential here, love that you're outside the box. Look forward to your reply.
Scott
Hey , Scott
outside the box means I'm in unchartered territory (at least to my experience) so I have know guideposts or markers.Dead reckoning takes over. Nuance is subjugated to survival; just getting through the uncertainty and ordeal.
The odd turn is the main point of the piece (weather or not done with enough skill or panache); the quick disintegration of any topic into ludicrous trash talking chatter, and loss of all decorum.
I realize now that it needs more "meat". It probably won't happen (lazy and blank, I am)
thanks for your valued opinion
very appreciated.
Al
I often feel like some poems need too much and have no will to offer the effort so I throw them in a file and every so often return to them. One, to remind myself how much I really suck at writing poetry and two, I often am reinspired with a different view of the same story.
Scott
after completing a poem, whatever that really means, I have to take quite a bit of time away from it before the "Hornyness" for it arises again!
but most poems are one- nighters, never to be fucked with again....they will never be satisfactory...some are just born to feeble, and could never thrive in the cold hard world of POETRY!
My lack of a work ethic needs work....a conundrum, yes?
I never used to edit until
I never used to edit until recent months. This is what neo has done to me. I am lost in the way that I must always be better and for that I will always fail, myself anyway. I edit now but only so I will not have to edit later. The moment in time that ink hits the paper is poetry in its purest form. according to lore, Kerouac never edited a fucking thing. Some day I hope to feel that freedom again.
Al
I hate trash talkers, I think I got the nuance of the poem you drew me in I wanted to know the end of the story though I have to say the ending left me feeling flat I don't know if that was your intention but that's how it felt, another good poem I seem to be reading a lot from you since my return I have enjoyed the experience, makes me start thinking out of the box and that's a good thing
love JC xxx