Like matches to a cigarette
His emotions spark for all to see
Queasy in his stomach as he tries
To hide his sweaty palms
Adversity is a bitter cup of tea
He’s sick of gulping it down
His patience is hanging by a thread
As his thoughts run off course like a derailed train
Sorry, won’t do much anymore
He has grown sick to the insincerity
See, he has been walking on endless roads
So, there’s no sense in getting in his way
He’ll find a way to walk beside you
Ambition is not only in his mind
It flows like blood
There’s no telling what he will do
If you tell him he doesn’t have it in him
He’ll leave you in the dust
He has the courage of lions
He has the stare of a hawk
When, people see him they know his strength
Comments
I'm not...
up to the challenge of critiquing this one tonight, but I will revisit it later. Bookmarked for further review! I like the intensity, and do have a couple of ideas. Nice start! ~ Gee
there seems to be a slight internal inconsistency here
So, there’s no sense in getting in his way
He’ll find a way to walk beside you
Ambition is not only in his mind
It flows like blood
There’s no telling what he will do
If you tell him he doesn’t have it in him
He’ll leave you in the dust
[ambition won't settle for walking beside you, it'll walk right over you]
That last line needs to be much stronger.
He has the courage of lions
He has the stare of a hawk
When, people see him they know his strength
maybe something like
He has the courage of lions
He has the stare of a hawk
by talon and claw you'll know his strength
Paul,
Paul please heed the comments above, these Poets have helped me and will help you and others in the future. But remember in the end it is your decision. This is a good poem. Regards Roscoe..
ooops, thanks for the reminder of one of my own suggestions
about critique, Roscoe, to say what you like about the poem first and last. I've gotten out of the habit because normally others have already done it before me.
I think it is only necessary to put in the qualifiers about changes being the poets own final decision for newer members and paul has been around since Cronus and Rhea.
I did forget to say that your voice has been getting stronger and stronger exponentially lately, paul. Love this work. It sweats!
thank you
I would like to apologize for not revising i agree with the critsiscm and I am a firm believe in workshop and would love to thank for your part in my growth as a poet