lou

Jan 03, 2011

Aggro

I tread a worn and weary track
The risk of snipers at my back.
I’m under assault, I can’t relax,
I am alert twenty four seven.

I lose focus for one moment.
start to enjoy life,
and adversity attacks;

Bloody nose, eyes and ears
Flushed face full of tears

Full-blooded, strike back
My defence is to attack

I’m fired upon from the ranks
The guns chattering in my ears,
Need to take cover.
And toss few grenades back.

I’m out of control.
The world rejects me
And I reciprocate

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West London, GBR

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda

Comments

Lou

Lou,

I couldn't decide if you wrote this as lyrics or not. You seemed to have a structure of a song, but I wasn't sure.

The first stanza had a rhyming sequence but that went away with further stanza's.

If the middle section is a chorus of some kind, maybe a rhyming sequence built into it would do the trick and then take out the rhyme in stanza one.

Example of chorus:

Bloody nose, eyes and ears
Flushed face full of tears

Full-blooded, strike back
My defence is to attack

just an idea.

I like the aggression in the write, very raw too.

Regards,

HS

It is a song.. I think everything you have said is valid, I like your version.

Glad that you liked it.

Lou

Sounds like...

you have gone on the offensive! I too like the aggression in this one. I was puzzled by the tapering off of rhyme, but upon reading it through again, see that it stands up rather well. Love ya, ~ Gee

Hi Lou

Life's roller coaster of emotions - been there, know the head spinning feeling.

Will make an excellent song.

Love Mand xxxxxx.

I used to feel like this a time or two until I realized we are not control of anyone or anything but ourselves. This is a good write from you Lou. Also remember no one or no thing can frustrate you more then yourself if that makes any sense at all. Missed reading you and hope your doing better. I been kinda sick myself but coming along fine. WIll visit more often. Love to you and say hello to Mom for me

Mia Mona from Florida
xoxoxoxo

Happy New Year

Mona me dear

Glad your getting better, I'm quite aware of my own pyscology, so i now the effect I have on my own feelings.

Thanks for commenting, mum is good

Lou