Warrior Princess
Warrior Princess
Jul 01, 2022

Abusive World

I saw the child his eyes were cold staringly mad!
Twiddling his fingers pursing his lips;
Gazing into nothingness;
Education is void;
Memories of the ordeal keep racing in his mind;
Every feeling seems so real.

Daddy choking Mummy on the bed!
Mummy gasping for breath!
Slaps! Cuffs! Kicks!
Echoes to the walls;
Vibrations ripples across the floor;
Wishing the earth would consume him.

He wept silently;
Can the earth have opened up and covered him?
Might an angel rescue him?
Can the hand of God have picked him up:
He felt the blow piercing on his back;
Ripping his flesh beneath flesh;

His head explodes like a ticking bomb!
He fell to the ground in cold feet;
The pain of blood, loneliness and sorrows;
Enveloped him as he struggles to break the silence;
Someone! rescue, rescue him!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Kindly share any insight or perspective on this piece, and what needs to be improved. I humbly thank you.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: South Zone

Favorite Poets: Maya Angelou

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

I would change the title to read: (Abusive World)
in these lines some minor changes:
I saw the child his eyes (was) cold staringly mad! (were)
(Dwindling) his fingers pursing his lips; (twiddling)
Every feeling seem so real (always.) drop the word (always) it is unnecessary.
Wishing the earth (would) consume him. (add word)
His head (explode) like a ticking bomb! (explodes)

I liked the poem for the brutality, which you expressed very well. the changes I have suggested will help with the flow, making the poem smoother. keep on writing!

always Cat

Rosewood Apothecary

Being from Trinidad and Tobago I was assuming some of this is due to local dialects. At first I want to correct it too. But…then I remember that Mark Twain became famous by writing in common dialect below his own education. I also do this in my lyrics to make them sound more earthy. Just a thought.

Tim