It's in the quiet I hear you.
My lungs elastic as they draw you in
with each comforting breath.
The memories of the day
expand my peace of mind
and careen my heart into you,
as you slumber next to me,
here in the solitude of our night.
May 10, 2024
About Last Night
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
While I...
understand the moment you describe, and the sentiment; I'm not sure of the significance of mentioning that your lungs are elastic.
Sure, the word has some connection to the drawing in, and the word expand in the fifth line, but do they have another bit of purpose? ~ Geez.
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N conncetion to the 5th line
N conncetion to the 5th line Geez. Elastic seemed fitting for me because I was trying to draw attention the my hyper-awareness of the moment. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, but I kie the visual here. Thanks you for commenting sir!
Best
I find this such a beautiful
I find this such a beautiful image. Just feeling and enjoying the presence of a loved one; the mind at peace, needing no word, no motion, just blissful in the presence of.
Tyro
Thank you for commenting Tyro
Thank you for commenting Tyro! Exactly that!
Cheers