You had your books in order
on the shelf but you had scattered
your work on a desk
by the window
in an angry mess
or the wind had visited
and disheveled your hair
so that your thoughts lay everywhere.
You were mad, sometimes,
in that study; Love kept me
at the threshold of your room.
You will not let me in
when you sat enthroned like the queen
with a song on her lips,
but this is what you are, poor thing
shackled to that iron seat:
Your thoughts interrogate you,
the books, your friends, look down on you
with distant eyes while love
keeps me at the threshold
of your dungeon.
You will not let me in.
Comments
It's a very long sentence
I believe you are losing impact because the reader never gets to pause, is made to feel as if what they thought was a complete thought was not.
There is some excellent imagery here, but it gets muddled by being wedged into contrasting thoughts.
Taking just a piece of it, let me show you what I mean:
You had your books in order
on the shelf.
Your work was scattered
on a desk by the window in an angry mess.
Or the wind had visited
and disheveled your hair,
so that your thoughts
lay everywhere.
You were mad,
sometimes,
in that study.
and
You had your books in order.
On the shelf your work
was scattered on a desk
by the window.
In an angry mess,
or the wind,
had visited and disheveled your hair.
So that your thoughts
lay everywhere; you were mad.
Sometimes in that study,
You are using punctuation, but you are using it in a manner that detracts from your poem.
There's a lot of potential here, I want to see it.
So, you're suggesting I break
So, you're suggesting I break it up into shorter sentences?
I've no problem with that. Actually, not much thought was put in the punctuation, though I'll still like some of the sentences to end and new ones begin on the same line.
I'll also rearrange the lines so some of the shorter lines will stand alone and have more impact. I don't want to break it into stanzas though. I've no reason why.
sentences ending and starting on the same line
(as I'm sure you know, I'm stating it for the benefit of others) is called enjambment. It is a perfectly valid technique but quite powerful so you need to consider how it affects the general meter and flow.
William
I'm confused. I thought your subject is "chair" but I can't see any description of it in the poem.
Alid
The point of the poem was to
The point of the poem was to avoid "chair" as much as possible, but it's present in the poem: I'm not describing a chair. The poem is about a woman's study desk and the seat/chair/"throne" she sits on to write.
Is this poem really that bad?
"poor thing shackled to that iron seat."
that sounds like a chair to me, mate.
Thank you,Jess
missed that one out.
Alid
Hi William
I think this has excellent "bones". I like the subject of self imposed emotional isolation. The main fault I see is the lack of stanzas. The purpose of stanzas in free verse is to give the reader a place to pause. It gives them time to consider what they just read without having to consider the poem in its entirety all at once. Also gives those who read poetry aloud a chance to breath lol. Think of a stanza as being like a paragraph in prose. It should contain a single thought line which can then be either built upon or changed slightly in the next.
If it were me I'd make a minor change in line 5. "Or had the wind visited".....also a good place for a stanza break would be between this line and the previous.
But this is Not my open so you are free to either take or leave any or all these ideas......stan
To stanza or not to stanza,
that is the question. I vote no stanza (it's short enough), but can also see the benefit.
Although I agree with Pugilist's language suggestions, I had only a little trouble with the rhythm.
Some of the imagery is excellent. Just excellent.
well written
Apart from perhaps needing a comma after 'shelf', and a hyphen after 'mess', in stanza 1, and a comma after 'eyes', in the final stanza I see no problem with the punctuation..
great descriptive I think.......
and definitely refers to a chair...
Love judy
xxxx
Embellishment
work space of creative or driven
can be anything
Ive seen plastic pails with cushions
van seats
and extremely nice chairs also
again definition
a Style reference
cherry wood
chrome vinyl
plastic moulded
Queen Anne
Highback
but when one refers to desks
one thinks chairs
Throne seat..
Seat on a trolly
Seat on an aircraft
its almost a role definition
Seat of Power
She sat in her seat of sadness
if one has emotions
sometimes people driven
do not feel
focused on intent
or whatever causes them
to be distracted
or unable to obtain
I like the poem
shackles the old rudimentary
sentiment
punishement and crime
ha..if they were shackled
one could walk right in
there and see whats on
the desk...move a book
or two...
maybe...
thank you...