The sun quietly
tiptoed on the sky's dark page
then a new dawn smiled.
Sep 03, 2012
5-7-5 Haiku (an attempt)
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
this is beautiful rula
as far as making the reader feel an emotion - you have succeeded here
if you want to know if it is 'true' haiku - it is not
haiku either explicitly or implicitly refers to a season
haiku does not use personification
but who cares - this is emotionally uplifting, and haiku is also that
and i do read your last line as a satori of sorts
love judy
xxx
I see what you mean dear judy
thanks for the useful information.I am really happy you've found a nice capture and felt the emotion there.
Ps.. the later workshop has opened my eyes to new things..Thank you.:)
Rula
A lovely start to the Japanese art of using few words to say much, as Judy says it is not a true Haiku but it is a true Senyru..
The only thing on this one, to perfect it, is to take out (the) in the second line:-
Tiptoed on sky's dark page.
Then the count is a true 5-7-5 but as many will say writing in English and trying to conform with Japanese writing is sometimes impossible.
So we give poetic licence to writers lol..
Barbara is running an eternal Renga at the moment just join and it will give you loads of practice in Japanese forms.
Take care out there young lady, Yours Ian.T
ian, rula has the count corect
your 'tiptoed on sky's dark page' has only 6 syllables
xxx
Judy
I think that ---Sky's-- is termed as two syllables, the apostrophe gives it another part, but I will await the talk on this point..
I will leave that to the experts, but it is open for debate.
Thanks, hope we can clear that up as it's important to writing Haiku's..
Yours Ian.T
xx
if the apostrophe was for 'sky is'
i might say ok let's wait.
but it is the ownership apostrophe, and i'm really sure it is one syllable
but still, let's wait for consensus
xxx
Judy
I hope you are right in this case then I will put (The) back in again.
Yours with unconditional love as always, Ian.T
Hi Rula
I think Haiku can be about more than one thing. It can be about nature or the seasons. Or it can be any form of human experience. Whether that be a city poem, a love poem or whatever canvas you desire. This form of poem was designed in another language, by another culture but the values are the same no matter the canvas, human expression. You've certainly achieved a beautiful poem here.
J
hi john
As a rule haiku is about nature and implicitly or explicitly refers to a season.
Any form of human experience is termed a senryu, but a ‘true’ senryu is often bawdy – the equivalent to our ‘pub joke’
just fyi :)
love judy
xxx
Hi Rula
I meant to say fine attempt if its your first fine work
J
Hi Rula
I'll let the experts argue the form. As to sky's, it's pronounced as one syllable in both instances so should count as one. I liked the compact imagery you captured...........stan
Thank you all for reading
and for paying this an extra attention.
Ian I really appreciate your interest to have things the right way.
John , I am happy you like it.
and
dear judy thanks for the useful additions here and there. Always happy to hear from you .
By and by, I have one more thing , I most often see the haikus without titles, is there a reason for that?
yes
haiku do not have titles
if labelled, it is usually 'haiku (first line)'
so yours would be - 'haiku (the sun quietly)'
- or more correctly - senryu (the sun quietly)
as another btw - haiku also does not use capital letters, except for proper nouns
xxx
Hi Judy
I'll have to research that ThanX Judy
5-7-5 Haiku
I am new here and I thought this Haiku was excellent. Nice imagry painting.
Thanks for
the nice comment. Highly appreciate it .
welcome to the Neopoet W.