judyanne

May 06, 2012

As One

Back then when everything was in one place
not spread out through this great expanse of time-space
I wrote upon a star my history
then placed it in your eyes, to keep for me

Existing in that grey - a million stars
and when you smiled they all became quasars
illuminating deepest depths of soul
and my sun was the brightest of them all

From one creative source all ashes came
a multitude of difference from the same
devolving simpler rhythms, simpler rhymes
to form a long goodbye from shorter times

The universe’s cold eternal clock
its pendulum a cure, each tick to tock
became my damaged centre’s closest friend
by sewing stitches there, designed to mend

Although it’s done (I can't erase, unlace
the past emotions frozen in their place)
through gifts of single threads in time and space
in age's realm I’ve seen my saving grace

And though I now exist in darkened days
because the radiance has gone away
it's written in my star we'll meet, my son
when eras end, and all is back as one

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

Comments

hi "J"

With shop winding down I now have more time to aggravate you lol.
This kinda started a bit awkwardly in my opinion. So I tried a partial rewrite that maybe you can find at least one good idea from :
Back when All was in one place
not yet spread throughout this time-space
upon a star I wrote my history
and placed it in your eyes to keep for me

Within the black-a million stars
which when you smiled became quazars
illuminating darkest depths of soul
my sun the brightest in that role

next 2 stanzas no suggestions
S-5,L-1 try swapping places with erase and unlace
Final stanza impeccable.....................stan

thanks so much stan

great suggestions
but they mess with the iambic
and swapping places with erase and unlace messes with the rhyme

- and the 'grey' is the eye colour :) so 'black' doesn't fit
I appreciate your read and thoughts, and i will look at it again with the thought you found it awkward

love judy
xxx

Hmmm......

erase.....place....they rhyme to me but it might be a dialect thing...............stan

i pronounce

erase as eraze....
so it probably is a dialect/ accent thing
thanks stan
xxx

thanks lonnie

for the very kind comments

but as this is supposed to be iambic pentameter, i wonder if you wouldn't mind telling me where you found it rough?
- i've re-read and find these two lines
'Existing in that grey - a million stars
'and my sun was the brightest of them all'
may be off a fraction, but i think i should be able to get away with them as the emphasis still works in my mind...
'e - XIST -ing IN that GREY - a MILL - ion STARS
'and MY sun WAS the BRIGHT - est OF them ALL'
- i would be interested in your thoughts
love judy
xxx

Judy

this is a beautiful tribute, and I could not suggest you change a thing. It is like a personal letter written by you to your son, who was and is your sun in your universe.
all mail sent to Heaven is received.

Linda

thank you very much linda

for the lovely and kind comment
but if you found a fault i wouldn't be hurt
it is only poetry - and i am here to improve it where i can
xx

love judy

Beautiful

Wow Judy, the first stanza was so powerfully evocative I actually almost teared up right there!... then came the rest... This is beautiful, & I look up & can read Linda's comment here & can only second her view. I'm not a religious person, unless you call Buddhism religion, but I love the spiritual element & the depth of heart felt loss & healing, so brilliantly expressed.

I have missed reading you (with all the workshop distraction) even in my short acquaintance.

thank you anni

for the very kind review and supportive comments
hugs
judy
xxx

Oh this, this each word

Oh this, this each word riding on a tear,
each thought so well formed sustained on a star,
a galaxy,
and one you loved
his breath we hear
as you write this poem echoes come
and we too grieve your son.

Your fire, you sun,
will carry on in true Australian tradition.

'Enjoyed' this judyanne, you put your soul into it.
annanya

dear annanya

thank you so very much for the lovely comment
given with such beautiful poetry

love to you
judyanne
xxxx

I noticed a remark you made somewhere recently

about not receiving much critique, so I decided to do a little retrospective. I only got to the first of May! And there is the first reason, you are posting so prolifically! That is not the only reason though. Your works are structurally and thematically complex and need deep reading for appreciation and response. That's the main reason. So it's a good thing. Beau's Feedback workshop should help others respond to your work.

Thematically I group this with 'The Centre', 'Stardust Harmonies' and 'Between Dimensions' because I love cosmological allegory/metaphors.

This one is my least favourite of them. All the elements are there but somehow it fails to engage me and excite my poetic sensibilities. I have no idea why. Maybe I've just read too much poetry today. Sometimes it's just je ne sais quoi and shut myself up.