hope
transparent and thin
like
leaves too long in the wind
oh
confident desire
which
once sprang eternal (never to expire)
now
with gnarled joints
slowly
crawls
to its knees
Failed Aspirations:
hope
transparent and thin
like
leaves too long in the wind
oh
confident desire
which
once sprang eternal (ever to expire)
now
with gnarled joints
slowly
falls
to its knees
Jan 12, 2012
Aspirations (a Mirror/rorriM poem)
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This poem is part of the collection of a manuscript titled: "Mirror/rorriM" it is soon to be published (with in the year) I appreciate all the helpful suggestions that I can get. Thanks in advance. always, Cat
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
dearest Cat
Love, love, love the melancholy heaviness of this write. One correction and one question:
"falls to it's knees" - should be its. Nitpicky, I know... LOL
Never/Ever to expire. - was the change up intentional?
I think the Mirror/rorriM concept is bloody brilliant! Let me know when it's available. =)
Dear Jess,
it's was a brain fart! Thanks for pointing it out to me. I appreciate it much. And the change was intentional.
When Mirror/rorriM is released, I will gladly let you know! Thank you for your keen eye and your questions.
always, Cat
p.s.
It is SO Good to have you with us!
Its
Is absolutely good English, the American's want the it's, I never use the it's, but then its a matter of taste perhaps, not usage. That's what I understand anyway? Ann
LOL
I keep falling into that trap!
always, Cat
Cat,
EXCELLENT!!
The leaves which have been in the winds of autumn, (to say the autumn of life) to long is a incredible image.
The well placed words and musicality of it reads as a song. talk about meter! Wow, I truely related to this write in its most pure form. Cat I commend you on such a deep and life touching write
There is a sadness slightly lending towards darkness, well illustrated
Eddie
...
Dear Eddie,
Thank you so much for reading and commenting on this piece. If I used any form of meter, I was unaware of it at the time, LOL! I only wrote was in my heart and mind. I shall learn about meter in weirdelf's class, I hope. That is, I hope I am not too thick that I can't learn.
I'm glad you really liked the line about leaves too long in the wind! Thank you for telling me. It really helps for encouragement to keep writing. Peace to you and yours in this brand new year.
always, Cat
I travelled
I travelled down your long thin poem
feeling like a limp leaf on its journey to the ground in Autumn,
sad to regret some of life's fulfillment,
well put too I think.
I hope that the gnarled joints,
that you enjoyed writing here,
are not your gnarled joints!
Ann.
Dear Ann,
The gnarled joints are not far off as I have arthritis in my hands and fingers. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I hope you are well.
always, Cat
I came back
On re reading this I experienced a concertina-like feeling of deja vu,
rather a fascinating way of spinning a poem this Cat.
L Ann.
Thanks Ann,
Glad you liked it. It will be published in the murky future in my (manuscript) book: "Mirror/rorriM" by c.m. mattison (me)
always, Cat
hello
The meter is evident in the ease of reading. Only thing I saw to suggest was possibly saying transparent as lace instead of transparent and thin...............stan
Dear Stan,
Thank you for reading this piece which I am very fond of. As for your suggestion, I ran it by my better half, for his opinion and he likes my original best. But I do like the imagery that yours provides :) I will think on it befor submitting for publication. Thank you!
always, Cat
Cat, I read all your works.
Cat, I read all your works. It is time to say "exquisite"
Joe
(((Joe!)))
I've always wondered if you had read any of my poems! Thank you for letting me know that you have. And thanks for the high praise.
Always, Cat
Cat, I am trying to comment
Cat, I am trying to comment more, but I am so slow. But, of course, I read you. Your work is prolific and consistantly awesome.
Joe
Dear Joe,
It means a great deal to me that you have commented and that you do read my work! I wish for you the best!
always, Cat
Thanks, Cat. I am hoping this
Thanks, Cat. I am hoping this priod of surge of energy lasts. I can ,at least, read and type. Plese know that I will continue reading even at worst moments. I will get there.
joe
(((Joe)))
(((Joe)))
I will light a candle for you.
always, Cat
I like,
I like, but noticed that you have (crawls to its knees) up top, then (falls to its knees) below. Forgive my ignorance but was this intentional, if yes i think i may have got it. If not it needs correcting. Regards Roscoe..
Hello Roscoe,
Yes, falls and crawles are both intentional. Thank you for reading and asking :)
always, Cat
I love the flow of this poem.
I love the flow of this poem. it's so smooth. the language is clear and the theme is appealing. each line threads neatly to the other :--
",,,hope
transparent and thin
like
leaves too long in the wind
oh
confident desire
which
once sprang eternal (never to expire)
now
with gnarled joints
slowly
crawls
to its knees
Failed Aspirations:
(with gnarled joints) I think suggests the crookedness of hope / aspirations.
great poem with style. flows fine for me.
respects.
WonderGolly :)
Dear WonderGolly,
Thank you so very much for reading. I appreciate your comments.
always, Cat