scribbler
Dec 09, 2011

POWER OF ATTRACTION

I caught you in my gravity
that summer many years ago
like tides capture a restless sea
and you've yet to let me go

Elliptically our journey started
we'd nearly touch then draw away
yet we never really parted
I wonder why you chose to stay

Now, over time, our orbits grew
to a perfect circle, pure
a binary system me and you
destined always to endure

Until now, still, here we are
separate from the galaxy
as we circle our own star
the way which it was meant to be

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

S

Thank you . You can now stop making me feel such a fraud now lol..........stan

the_fool

in first S you use caught and capture which, to me, are pretty much the same word and sounds repetitious. also- 'i caught YOU... like tides capture... never let me go'- confused because i believed N did the catching but then seems the subject (hope i used that right) is doing all the keeping. did that make sense? also- rhyming ago with go?- i'd find a different word there maybe.

i liked the universe theme, very thought out. over-all a fun read and the rhyming didn't feel forced.

S

The caught and never let me go was intentional . It mean to portray the hunter becoming the prey of that which he/she sought. I will look over your other ideas in edit after gatheringsome more thoughts. Thanks for visiting.......stan

K

simple, straight forward poem on a universal theme.

The one change I would make is the last line: (separate is correct spelling btw.)

Until now, still, here we are
separate from the galaxy
as we circle our own star
(from this:)
the way that it was meant to be
(to this:)
the only way it is meant to be

(*that* is too hard on the tongue,) (*teaching* what we have learned is always best represented in the present tense, imo.)

~A