William Saint George

Nov 11, 2011

This poem is part of the workshop:

Critique Quickie

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Sonnet 18 (Shakespeare) For Workshop

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: For the Workshop "Critique Quickie"

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Ghana, GHA

Favorite Poets: William Shakespeare

Comments

Sonnet 18...

The tenth and twelfth lines seem especially forced, to make the rhyme. it doesn't make sense. To whom is the fair owed? I can't make sense of the 12 th line either. ~ Gee

I do not entirely agree...

"...But your eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor will you lose possession of that fair[ness, beauty] you ow'st[own?],
Nor shall death brag you wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,..."

I think it makes sense when you take "ow'st" to be a contraction of "own", with the archaic "st" strung on it.

William may have chosen to take liberty with his words, so that his piece may make poetic beauty "as a whole", and not make perfect sense to everyone. He was comfortable breaking rules and making up words for his art's sake.

At tiimes I also take liberties with the language. Once I used " 'sician" as a contraction of "musician". Worked well (I think) with the whole poem. :)

I'll try to look at as the more obvious "owe" to see how that fits into the poem,.

so offer suggestions

Forgive me Bill.

"Ow'st" is a contraction (I presume to fill the rhyme) of "owe", which is a Middle English term for "own".
As for "eternal lines", I believe Bill was referring to his sonnet in which the woman of the poem will live forever.
I have always loved this poem, BUT even Bill capitalized... oh fuck it. You get the picture.
wesley

What can I say?

The assumption of life and love after death is spurious at best.

Skinhead revision

Oi fuck!
she's dead hot,
might even fuck her when she's dead.

My critique: Prosing it out.

I have tried to ectract the "prose" out of this poem. If this technique help, I will use it more often on other pieces to help analyse the poems. Ok, so here we go:

Shall I compare you to a day in summer? No, you are much more loveable. Even in the summer, the winds at times are too rough, and summer itself is too fleeting. Sometimes, the sun scorches, and often it doesn't even quite shine just as it should be. Beauty in nature also fades; whether this is by some bad luck, how just how things are fated to be.

But for you, your 'summer' is eternal; it shall not pass, nor will it lose the beauty that you already own. Infact, you will not die when in these timeless lines you grow forever. So long as this world as we know it exists, this poem will also, and it will keep giving you life.
-----------------------------

And then, we can sum it up further

I cannot compare you to a day in summer. Though close, it often is too short, and a tad imperfect. And like all things in nature, its beauty fades.

But your summer is undying. You will not die, so long as men still live to read this poem.
------------------------------

Now, for something more poetic:

While the beauty of this world is fleeting,
And its goodness always fades,
You shall live, my love, forever
So long as men continue reading.

perhaps so archaisms too?

This is not an edit, I just removed the archaisms, and took a few liberites with some words. I want to see something modern that expresses the same thing. Ryme and meter optional and do fefinitely not have to match the original.
Jess

Shall I compare thee you to a summer's day?
You are more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds [lose do] shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease has all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair [beter word?}sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:

But your eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair you ow'st, [ow'st? owe to whom?]
Nor shall death brag you wandering in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time you grow
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life you're owed.

I like shakespeare poetry. He is one of a few i found

delight in reading his poems. I do take issue with the ancient 'd and 'st. But love the poem anyway. It seems Shakespeare added a few of these puntcs. to satisfy those that had a passion for it.

N.B. Please post your edit/

N.B. Please post your edit/ re-write as a poem straight after the original in the same box, so we can compare them directly. Do not post as a comment on the thread or on a separate page. Click edit and paste your work in directly after the original poem.

In other words both poems, the original and the edit/rewrite should appear in the post. Sorry if I was unclear

Love Shakespearean sonnets.

If I would remove the contractions and ye olde English, it would not be Shakespeare.

But then again, that's not the point of this workshop. However........................I, for one,
see the perfection in the imperfections and do not choose to *modernize* or explain
poetry.

If anyone wants that, read a modern novel, insist on limericks and Jack be Nimble nursery
rhymes. I'm getting tired of repeating myself. So, if you don't mind, Jess, I'll just read
and if I'm moved to make some sort of contribution to the *editing*, I will, but I'm really getting
tired of repeating myself.

And I'm really getting tired of repeating myself.