themoonman
themoonman
Jul 19, 2011

Beyond the Circle

submitting poems with child-like innocence,
elementary misspellings and unknown passions,
and everyone here says you're brilliant.
they congregate, like Christians praising fiction,
Muslims facing the meteor,
or uninformed Americans voting on smiles ...

although you and I, we know

Like Gilgamesh, we will fail immortality,
but the rocks tied to our feet will surely drown us,
only our words have the slightest chance of seeing
beyond the seed of our seed,

for even eternity is limited for us

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

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Comments

themoonman

thanks, but there are many that will say there is no way
I could be in that place (deep thinking) ... and most of the
time, I agree.

Richard

weirdelf

and bloody pertinent.

Well, maybe one word
but the rocks tied to our feet will surely drown us, [is "but" necessary?]

kudos.
Interestingly I only recently read "Epic of Gilgamesh"

themoonman

and I agree, it is the one word I don't like, but ... Gilgamesh made it
through the ocean with the rocks tied to his feet, he gathered the plant
only to have it later eaten by a snake (according to the story)

It is a great story, but just a story, and the rocks tied to our feet
would surely drown us. any suggestions as to making that line fit,
showing Gilgamesh made it but we wouldn't, without the "but" ?

by the way, thanks for dropping in and I'm glad you liked it.

weirdelf

if it wasn't poetry the full line would read
but, unlike him, the rocks tied to our feet will surely drown us,

maybe lose the but in
but you and I, we know [?]
to avoid the double buts.
or even
however unlike him,
the rocks tied to our feet will surely drown us,

just some thoughts and it's a trivial thing in a very good poem anyway.

themoonman

not sure what I'm going to do there, I may use your exact
wording, it is logical and informative ... hmmm

thanks so much, funny how you picked out the one word
I wasn't happy with.

Richard

themoonman

Yes, it is all for now, but, even us poets are human,
and one fine failing of the human condition is the need/want
to live forever. I like to think that one of my kids may take some
of my poems after I'm gone, and pull them out once in a while,
ahhh, one can only dream such things as I'll never know.

thank you Ian

Candlewitch

"You're Brilliant!" LOL (on, but you really are!) I enjoyed this write, with great relish! especially:

they congregate, like Christians praising fiction,
Muslims facing the meteor,
or uninformed Americans voting on smiles ...

always, Cat

themoonman

Lol ... the only thing brilliant about me is these neon
SpongeBob underwear I'm a sportin, and they are bright !!!

thanks Cat, hope all is well your way

Richard

K

...Anna takes a visual picture of Richard in his neons. She smiles and saves it for a rainy day. (Hmmm. looks like rain.)

Don't worry I won't tell Barry. Or maybe I should buy him a pair too.

Boxers or shorts?

~A

weirdelf

John Sparrow
John Sparrow, one of 250 convicts transported on the Ratcliffe, 25 July 1848

Known aliases:
yenti

Convicted at:
Convicted at Stafford, Stafford Quarter Sessions for a term of 7 years on 12 March 1846. Ticket of Leave.

Convicted of:
Fraudulent misrepresentation as a poet.

Sentence term:
7 years,

Ship name:
Ratcliffe

Departure date:
25th July, 1848, duration of voyage 163 years.

Place of arrival:
Van Diemen's Land

D

Dalton

13 years 8 months ago

Very articulate and beautifully worded makes me want to read more of your work.

keep it up John

faerybeki

On a rare posting I am glad to have found you moonman and this profound piece. for me it works if you just lose the 'but', no need to replace it with anything :) I see not much changes here at Neo lol i wish I had more time to dive deeply into a workshop but life, the divine husband and the babas demand so much of my time. Good to read you Richard :) and find you writing so well, oodles of love Beki xxx

P

the tiniest of suggestions...
is the first "for" needed in the last line?

such a good poem richard
pertinent and so well written

i keep reading it, trying to see if
anything in particular speaks to me, and
i can't find one part above the other

it's a complete work

it's really, really good richard
i will second anna's "bow"

cheers
p

Esker

Esker

8 years 1 month ago

your writing like the rock
where illumination
ascends
a poet of vision!

thank U Richard!

W