Mortality And Sanity

When I read a poem, I want to take home something that can apply to me; something to savor and learn from. I am not getting that when I read this bit of prose. Maybe take the “me” out of it and make it more like a “fact”. For example:

webs hold fast
bind sanity
and mortality

dangle on
belief’s precipice

I am not certain who you are talking to in the opening lines. That has me confused so I continue to read, looking for a character. Perhaps make those opening lines less conversational.

The end line is almost anti-climatic because we are all aware of our mortality. I think you have a lot to say, but need to find a way to make your words have impact; more metaphor and imagery to show us those emotions and help us to feel that realization when it hits us.

I think you are off to a good start with a lot of wonderful thoughts and ideas but it needs more power.

Thank you for the opportunity to absorb your words. ~Pamela

I have faith in you, Chrys, that you'll let yourself out of your constraints. It's not easy. But poetry is the easiest way....letting go of everything that stands in y/our way.

Where are you taking me
I slowly ask
(the second line is unneeded)
[Where are you taking me?]

It is cold, dark and damp
not liking it
in here
(in here is redundant)
[It is cold, dark and damp
I don't like it
here]

Tendrils of evil
reach out
trying to claim
a life
(good but I'd remove *trying*
change a life to *my* life)
[Tendrils of evil
reach out
to claim
my life]

At times
not worth saving
(not worth saving
at times, I'd also add: am I?)
[Not worth saving
at times,
am I?]

Spider thread
holds me fast
binding me to
sanity and mortality
(change to spider's thread and add *a*)
[A spider's thread
holds me fast
binds me to
sanity and mortality}

Dangling on
the precipice of
my beliefs
[I dangle on
the precipice of
my believing]

[Only to find
I are not immortal]

Always strength in the *I am* context of a poem, *we* is something that happens later.

Take what you want, Chrys. It's yours for the asking.

~A

Chilling and has great potential!

love, Cat