A Very Brief Encounter

I think the first and last stanzas in this piece are the clearest and strongest; the middle stanzas get a little fuzzy, the colours and the lines seem disjointed (if this was intentional, it's not quite working yet). I get a very vague sense of hypersensitivity, although to have such brilliant and overwhelming sights and sounds occurring at once you need to be highly concise with your language, otherwise you just get the impression or image of an ambiguous blur of colour and sound attached to no real object or purpose. The two middle stanzas give a tense feeling of panic that contrast and seemed totally displaced within the first and two last.

A little trick to not get caught up in hyper-sensory imagery, image your poem visually as an impressionist painting, colourful and a little indistinct, yet still completely solid and recognizable. This helps me when I get carried away with imagery (it happens to every poet on earth!)

I think you may need to work on your line-cutting and/or internal flow as in the middle stanzas it seems a little disjointed, and in the case of poem I think we need the lines and language to flow. (Check out 'Just A Note to Say' by William Carlos Williams, he was the master of poetic line cutting and flow).

In the second last stanza I think you afford to lose the line in the brackets, it doesn't really add anything to the poem that your tone hasn't expressed already.

Terrific vocabulary, not one banal word used! Your first stanza is stunning.

I just think some re-structuring of the middle stanzas and clearer imagery would benefit this poem a lot.

Note more note you don;t need 'very' in the title, the word 'brief' implies a short or limited moment of time, buy adding 'very' you make the word 'brief' ( the most powerful word in the title), redundant.

Great work and an enjoyable read:)!

charming! I really enjoyed the ride your words took me on!

Namaste,

Lenny