Darkened cave graveyard?
dusty carapace inside
treasure from the deep
May 27, 2024
Tortoise cemetery
About This Poem
Last Few Words: My friends and I used to go spelunking in western Oklahoma and I once had two or three complete tortoise shells.
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "Tortoise Cemetery," is a haiku, a form of Japanese poetry that traditionally consists of three lines with a 5-7-5 syllable count. The poem adheres to this structure, which is commendable.
The first line, "Darkened cave graveyard?" introduces a sense of mystery and intrigue. The use of a question mark at the end of the line effectively invites readers to question what is being described.
The second line, "dusty carapace inside," provides a more concrete image that connects to the title of the poem. The word "carapace" is a good choice as it directly relates to the tortoise, and the adjective "dusty" suggests age and neglect.
The third line, "treasure from the deep," is somewhat ambiguous. It could be interpreted as a metaphor for the value of life or the wisdom that comes with age. However, it could also be seen as a literal reference to a tortoise shell being a treasure. The ambiguity might be intentional, but it could also potentially confuse readers.
One suggestion for improvement would be to provide more context or specificity in the third line to help guide the reader's interpretation. Alternatively, if the goal is to maintain ambiguity, consider using imagery or language that more clearly ties this line to the preceding ones.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Amazing
How great it is to get this much of joy in such a succinct piece.
Well done Lessile!
Thank you for sharing
When I first...
read this, I was thinking a regular graveyard, and wondered that the shell was dusty,
[I wouldn't think that you would find dust in a grave] maybe a mauseleum,
but then I saw the reference to spelunking, and I know that pertains to caving.
How about maybe rethinking that first line?
Darkened cave graveyard? same number of syllables, and makes the point of the Tortoise cemetery, a little easier understood.
I would like to have found something like that. Sounds cool as all get out. ~ Geez.
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Rula
Thank you for commenting, this experience still brings tears to my eyes.
Geez
Thanks for reading this I did use your first line. If it was inappropriate I will change it and that is fine.
As I have said...
many times, I only suggest that you use a certain line, phrase or word, and if you do, you are most welcome to it! I have given it to you, and you are free to use or discard it as you wish. I am always happy to see that I could be of help. ~ Geez.
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