Why must I always feel like this
Sadness, with a heavy heart,
Like my life feels like it's gonna stop
And did it ever really start
I think I'm hearing voices, songs to be precise,
I thought it was the radio,
But no radio was in sight
I've caught a glimpse of something,
Out the corner of my eye.
But the music has intrigued me most....
Have I lost my mind?
If I died tomorrow,
Would the people I needed most
How could they care?
To them I'm already a ghost.
I still can't make any sense
Of what my life's about!
That's why I hurt and take my pills
It just seems there's no way out
Whispers in my mind
And songs, clearly in my head
Does it mean I'm crazy
And my arms are that of lead?
Now my thoughts are gathering
I need to slow them down
I want so much to stay in touch,
But in my mind, I drown!!
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem presents a vivid portrayal of inner turmoil and emotional struggle, using a variety of metaphors and imagery. It effectively communicates a sense of confusion, despair, and isolation.
However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
1. Consistency in Rhyme Scheme: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas, but this pattern is not maintained throughout the poem. Consistency in rhyme scheme can help provide a sense of structure and rhythm to the poem, enhancing its overall flow and readability.
2. Punctuation: The use of punctuation in the poem is inconsistent. For instance, some lines end with a comma, while others do not. Proper punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem, indicating where to pause or stop, which can affect the pacing and emphasis of the poem.
3. Imagery: While the poem does use some effective imagery, such as "songs, clearly in my head" and "in my mind, I drown", there are opportunities to further develop this. More detailed and specific imagery could help to create a more immersive and emotionally resonant experience for the reader.
4. Theme Development: The theme of mental struggle is clear, but it could be explored in more depth. For example, the stanza "If I died tomorrow, / Would the people I needed most / How could they care? / To them I'm already a ghost." introduces the idea of feeling unseen or unimportant to others, but this is not fully developed or connected to the rest of the poem.
5. Line Breaks: The line breaks in the poem seem somewhat arbitrary, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising the line breaks to better align with the poem's rhythm, content, or emotional impact.
6. Clarity: Some lines are somewhat unclear or confusing, such as "And my arms are that of lead?". Clarifying these lines can help ensure that the reader fully understands and connects with the poem's intended meaning and emotion.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Carrie...
You have all the right words and most of the phrases.
You can pull them apart and put them back together, and if you do it with having a rhythm in mind,
it will be a sing-song piece that is easier to recite.
Try:
Why must I always feel like this
Sadness with a heavy heart
I feel my life is going to stop
Did it ever really start?
I think I'm hearing voices
songs to be precise
I thought it was the radio
but there were none in sight [I like the near rhyme of precise and sight].
I think the theme is good, [for showing that you have questions].
If you wish, you can make this a lot smoother. A really good start. ~ Geezer.
.
Hi Geezer
Cool, thank you, appreciate your kind words. :)