raj
Apr 26, 2011

Before Dusk Settles

That fleeting moment
while Sun kisses the horizon
is like our parting

Shadows disappear
sooner than memories fade
into twilight

I gather the sand
of our footprints and castles
ingrained with our love

Before dusk settles
I sprinkle the sand
upon our rose beds

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

R

raj

14 years ago

thank you for the read and your comment...i have now disengaged the write from Haiku and the japanese touch too...and replaced when with while..hope it now sits well...

R

raj

14 years ago

thanks for your appreciative comment..i got rid of the zone as suggested by you...hope it now sits well...

S

After our conversation, the only change I would suggest would be to rearrange !st stanza for better clarity. Something like :
Our parting is like
that fleeting moment
when the sun kisses the horizon

As usual this is only an alternative which can use or not at your discretion..........stan

R

Thank you for the read and suggestion...i find it useful and have partially edited the first verse...keep sending your thoughts...they are most welcome..

R

Thank you for the read and suggestion...i find it useful and have partially edited the first verse...keep sending your thoughts...they are most welcome..

loved

only to relish
what lovely poetry u write
haiku or not
be creative
lets' not stick on to the past,
lest we lose our entity
finally at last

R

thank you for visiting this write and your comment..it is much appreciated...

R

thank you for visiting this write and your comment..it is much appreciated...

Eduardo Cruz

Sun,horizon, shadows, twilight,, sand, castles, dusk and rosebeds. these are all wonderful words to use in such a beautiful and well constructed Poem
Good job!!

R

thank you for your comment...good to know you liked the poem and word usage...

Candlewitch

What a lovely piece of work. A love poem without mush! My favorite lines are:

Shadows disappear
sooner than memories fade
into twilight

I gather the sand
of our footprints and castles
ingrained with our love

absolutely brilliant!
always, Cat

M

I can not tell you how I felt upon this read..left me with much thought and vision.

A great one here for sure

Love,Mona

R

it has been a while since you visited my page ...nice to know you liked this write ..hope all is fine now with your dad..

much love...

M

No things not well by me or Dad but I remain steadfast in hope and strength.. Thanks for the note and be by soon Ocean..I miss that pen name..

Love and hugs to you
Ms Mona

D

Dalton

13 years 12 months ago

A lovely little poem. Reminded me of Khalil Gibran. ThanX for sharing

John

R

Thanks John for that liberal comment...i am just an amateur ...good to know though that you enjoyed this write..my pleasure always in sharing...

Nordic cloud

This seems to have some lovely ritual in it, the sprinkling of sand before dusk in the rose bed.
How romantic and soft the petals of the roses are made by the presence of the sand in the bed.

Very nice Raj with my love Ann.

R

Thank you Ann for your comment...the sprinkling of sand in the rose beds of course was intended to nourish the roses with profound love in that sand of footprints and castles of lovers...

much love..

R

raj

13 years 12 months ago

thank you for your appreciative comment...good to know you loved the essence of the write...

much love..

mand

mand

13 years 12 months ago

What can I say, it's all been said.

A stunning poem.

Love Mand xxxxxx

R

Thank you Mand for the read and good to know you liked it...

much love...

A

I loved the smoothness of this poem, not only in words but also in meaning. Very succinct and pregnant epitome of modern Indo-Japanese form. Thanks for sharing this lovely piece, Raj.
Regards
Ayaz

R

raj

13 years 12 months ago

thanks for your time and appreciative comment..good to see you ...

warmly...

D

Dalton

13 years 11 months ago

First of all great piece. Also has a somewhat haikuesque feel to the three verses. Only crit: I would lose the word "Like" in the third line. But thats just me. Just semantics really. Great work and thanx for sharing.

John

R

Thank you John for your comment...

good to know you liked it...always my pleasure to share my writes and learn from the comments and feed backs...hope your problem with toolbar have been resolved..

Rottiestyl

while Sun kisses the horizon
is like our parting

Talk about descriptive writing! You didn't just write words here, you painted a moving seduction.Sprinkling the sand from the lovers foot prints on the roses, just great writing! such a picturesque piece!

Kim
(V)

R

raj

13 years 11 months ago

Thank you Kim for your appreciative words...glad to know you liked the essence of this write..

Loreli

Loreli

13 years 8 months ago

This had me spellbound...so descriptive! Lovely and romantic. Made my morning to read this!

Cheers,
Lori

R

raj

13 years 8 months ago

thank you Lori for your comment...good to know you enjoyed it ...

much love...