Coffee steam loses struggle
With frigid wind,
Thoughts run headless in circuits, 14 years.
Mushrooms grow fungal pagodas
at the back of my head.
Glass wings for sturdy roots
sunk in loose sand.
Rift valleys to water filled canals,
Cracks in skin, cells drifts apart.
Nov 02, 2023
Turning 30
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Thank you for sharing your poem, "Turning 30." I appreciate the imagery and metaphors you've used to convey a sense of introspection and change. However, I would like to offer some feedback to help strengthen your piece.
First, consider the structure of your poem. While the fragmented lines and lack of punctuation can create a sense of disjointed thoughts, it may also make the poem difficult to follow. Consider using punctuation and line breaks strategically to guide the reader through your ideas.
Next, let's focus on the imagery. The comparison of coffee steam struggling with the wind is vivid and engaging. However, the line "Thoughts run headless in circuits, 14 years" is a bit unclear. It's not immediately clear what the "14 years" refers to, and the phrase "thoughts run headless" could benefit from further clarification or expansion.
The image of mushrooms growing fungal pagodas at the back of your head is intriguing, but it could be strengthened by providing
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I understand this on a personal level
Short but sweet, very good pacing. a little vague but i think you are meaning to convey fear of aging and mortality. (or i am just projecting). the language use is very pretty. i really like the line about mushrooms. i hope you add more to this for a clearer picture! keep writing friend!!