Grey fog filled the valley
the storm rumbled overhead
thunder rode at him
on a blue and silver thread
Sagebrush swept the landscape
flung sand against the sky
he watched the purple brush
paint its colors on his eye
Skeletal Saguaro standing
like ghostly haunters now
bleached by sun and scouring sand
above a scavenged cow
Deserted by intelligence
Running on pure emotion
darkest night alone
sail on this desert ocean
Peach blossom pink horizon
the sun's rising in the East
He thinks he might have seen
the empty, aching beast
Scarred and trampled heart
eyes full of crusted tears
he's bruised beyond belief
face full of hard-worn years
This night is about surviving
Keep your head and fight
Run slow enough to catch her
play the game just right
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium)
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Conditional Surrender" captures the harsh and unforgiving nature of the desert landscape. The opening stanza sets the tone with vivid imagery of grey fog and thunder, creating a sense of foreboding. The use of personification in "thunder rode at him on a blue and silver thread" adds to the intensity of the scene.
The second stanza shifts to a focus on the physical elements of the desert, with sagebrush and sand painting a picture of desolation. The juxtaposition of the colorful purple brush against the bleakness of the surroundings is particularly striking. The mention of the Saguaro cactus and scavenged cow adds to the sense of abandonment and decay.
The third stanza delves deeper into the emotional state of the protagonist, who is described as being "deserted by intelligence" and running on pure emotion. The metaphor of sailing on a desert ocean reinforces the idea of being lost and adrift. The use of enjambment throughout the stanza creates a sense of urgency and desperation.
The fourth stanza brings a glimmer of hope with the peach blossom pink horizon and the rising sun, but this is quickly tempered by the mention of the "empty, aching beast." The imagery of the scarred and trampled heart and crusted tears is powerful and evocative.
The final stanza brings a sense of determination and resilience, with the protagonist vowing to keep fighting and to play the game just right. Overall, the poem effectively captures the harshness and beauty of the desert landscape and the emotional turmoil of the protagonist.
One suggested line edit:
In the fifth stanza, consider changing "bruised beyond belief" to "wounded beyond belief" for a more impactful word choice.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Thank you...
I feel that you got what I was going for. I thought that the comment about the line "bruised beyond belief" was not quite right. I used the [bee] sound deliberately, for those three words, to keep the flow. I feel that you finally have learned some emotion.
~ Geezer.
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How about
"above" a scavenged cow?
Thomas
I like...
the suggestion of [above] a scavenged cow. I'm going to use that!
Thank you for your read and suggestion. ~ Geez.
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dear Geezer,
your command of the English language fantasticI love this piece. it is structurally sound and pregnant with emotion! it makes me want to write, no, not just write but create. I really liked your mention of my favorite cactus!
*hugs & love, Cat
Love
Everything about this! The story, the imagery...everything flowed so smoothly. Well done.
I am so happy...
you like this one! I wrote this over the last couple of days. I went slowly, because I thought I had something here and wanted to get it right. The emotion was from a friend, and I felt it settle over me like the storm projected. I felt I needed to write of the atmosphere, play the scene and perhaps understand the chaos. Yeah, my favorite cactus too! I saw them as ghosts in the desert, half dead and yet... their arms lifted to the sky, as if in supplication to some spiritual being. If I made you want to write I am glad, because anytime you write, I look for an awesome piece. ~ Geez.
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This is
An incredible story and really jumped out at me. You can feel the emotion and the determination. The imagery and use of the desert to help facilitate those emotions was brilliant. I think (other than my favorite Killer poem) this is one of your best pieces.
Thank you...
I felt that this would be a rather special piece and tried hard to get the emotion of it down. I took my time with it and nursed it along like a baby; giving it time to burp and release the pressure of going too fast. I may just try to get a new 'Killer' piece out in the next week or so, he has chomping at the bit. ~ Geez.
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Killer....
How I have missed him and his electric guitar! I will look forward to seeing something new from him.
Thank you...
I'm glad that you enjoyed this one, and it brought you memories. ~ Geezer.
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Conditional Surrender
Hi, Geezer,
I agree, this is one of your best poems, and you have so many that I've thought were the best! I've read several times, and it just flows better each time. As far as "wounded" vs "bruised" - is it referring to his heart, or his ego? It seems wounded describes the heart better, and bruised describes the ego better. Great imagery of the cacti and the beautiful sun rise.
Thanks!
L
I meant...
as a whole person, not necessarily his ego or his heart. He feels battered and bruised by all that has happened to him. I felt that he was on the verge of giving up, hence, the admonishment to keep his head and fight. I am truly surprised that no one has asked; who is she/her? I think I will leave that for the reader to discover for themselves. ~ Geez.
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Hmm...
"Run slow enough to catch her..." I am so intrigued. I assumed it was Nature, but will give it more thought and be back to see what else is posted. :)
L
Hi Gee
The best poem I've read here in over a month
Thanks Stan...
Wow, that is a pretty big statement. I know that you are partial to nature and poems about nature, and I think that no matter where the nature is, it always has the ability to impress a person. I am continually impressed by Nature and the effects of it on mankind. Thanks again, ~ Geez.
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A word landscape.
A beautiful read with good metre and lovely imagery - it's a visual feast. In response to your question, I think the final line weakens the effect somewhat and is perhaps a bit hackneyed.
As to your comment...
about the last line of my work; I will refer you to the definition
of 'hackneyed' according to The Free Dictionary:
hackneyed
1. adjective clichéd, stock, tired, common, stereotyped, pedestrian,
played out (informal), commonplace, worn-out, stale, overworked, banal,
run-of-the-mill, threadbare, trite, unoriginal,
timeworn. That's the old hackneyed phrase, but it's true.
The last line is why I used that one in the way I used it, because it is true!
The poem represents the inner turmoil of the protagonist, he chases his love interest, and she runs away.
I feel that if he stops, then runs away, she will be intrigued and chase him instead. Then he can run slow enough for her to catch him.
Play the game just right; is the clue there. Thanks for your read and comment, ~ Geezer.
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Yes!
Got it! Nice job, and congratulations on the win!
L
Thank you...
I am working on a Killer poem, can't wait to see what the AI makes of that! ~ Geez.
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That'll be a good test!
Can't wait!
L
Thank you Mark...
I'm flattered and wish that I could manage to write enough of the same stuff to make a book. ~ Geez.
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Confused
I was confused a tad about the connection between some of the stanzas. But I kept reading again and again and I started to get it. Is the poem about both a moment in time but also multiple moments? I think I get it. The word play is brilliant
The moments...
of time are fluid and they all relate to each other. I wrote this as a dream sequence. Tortured and agonized, he feels the race is unequal; he wishes to wake and finish the race. ~ Geezer.
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Geez
Man there is so much color splashed out there. It is hard to understand,
but it stands alone as a picture of warmth, color and detail.