She wore her favorite shirt that day,
A loosely fitting black shirt
With three-quarter sleeves
And buttons up the front
That could be worn over a pull-over.
To the ER she wore her favorite shirt,
Not wanting dinner or even a snack,
A gnawing pain within her stomach,
A disquiet too strong to be ignored
She needed more help than I could give.
On the ER floor lay her favorite shirt,
Cut from her unconscious body.
Blood had gushed from her nose and mouth,
Horror was etched on my face and heart,
As doctors shoved me out of the room.
Ushered into a “waiting room”,
Completely alone and in the dark,
As doctors and nurses raced to her side,
Urgency heard in all their voices,
All of them searching for her salvation.
Completely forgotten was her favorite shirt,
While I waited to hear a hopeful word.
What would I do, should she not survive?
How could I live without her near?
Hoping for mercy for my one true love.
Comments
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Her Favorite Shirt" tells a poignant story of a loved one's sudden health crisis and the narrator's desperate feelings of helplessness and fear. The specific details of the black shirt with three-quarter sleeves and buttons add a personal touch to the narrative, emphasizing the importance of the shirt to the speaker's loved one. The juxtaposition of the casual and comfortable clothing item with the serious and traumatic events that follow creates a sense of shock and disorientation, mirroring the narrator's emotions.
The language in the poem is simple and accessible, allowing the reader to easily follow the story and empathize with the narrator's distress. However, the poem could benefit from more sensory details to fully immerse the reader in the experience. For example, describing the hospital smells, sounds, and sights could enhance the emotional impact of the piece.
One line edit that could strengthen the poem is changing "Within her stomach a gnawing" to "A gnawing inside her stomach." This slight rephrasing creates a smoother flow and clearer imagery.
Overall, "Her Favorite Shirt" is a moving poem that captures the raw emotions of a traumatic event. With a few adjustments to sensory description and language, the piece could become even more powerful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I suppose...
that you might change the line:"Within her stomach a gnawing"
to: In her stomach was a gnawing, but I'm not saying that it felt wrong to begin with.
You could also write another stanza about the wait. The waiting room full of people,
The smell of antiseptic floor wash, or interns haggard and pouring over the charts
of so many other patients, oblivious to your hurt and fear for your wife. I do see it as
a good poem, full of the worry and wondering about her condition. A poem that can be made
a little more intense, with the addition of the extra attention. Still, very well done.
~ Geezer.
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Good Advice
Thank you for the feedback. I've re-written that line and added another stanza. Let me know what you think.
Thanx,
Steve
I love what you did...
The alone and in the dark line, makes it feel like you are feeling helpless and powerless, just having to wait and see. I had a
similar experience with my first wife and our first baby. He got a foot caught in her uterus somehow and turned it inside-out. They had to operate right away, and I was sitting there with my newborn baby in one room and my wife in the O.R. and not knowing what was going on. It was scary and I felt very much alone. I am very glad that it turned out well for all of us! Your
added stanza and the description of being alone and in the dark, [not knowing what was going on], makes this much better. ~ Geez.
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Thank You
Thanks for your suggestion. It triggered some additional memories that became the new stanza.
I truly appreciate what you must have been going through with your wife and newborn. It is a very scary time, making us realize just how fragile our lives are. I am glad it ended well for you.
Thanx,
Steve
dearest Steven,
I don't remember much of that day as I was really messed up. but thank you for being there for me. I cannot imagine what I would do if our places were reversed!
*love, Cat
I Do Know What You Would Have Done
I know you. You would have handled it like you do all emergencies: You would do what was necessary as long as it was necessary. And when it was over, you would fall apart. That's your style.
I'm glad that the day went as it did. As I was told, if the arteries had ruptured at home or anywhere other than the Regions Hospital ER, you would have died. We got the best outcome from a very bad situation.
Love,
Steve
dearest,
you do know me...just like I know you would be there for me and pick up the pieces and put me back together again.
*love, Cat
So glad
That everything turned out as it did and that Cat is still with us. I would have missed out on a fabulous writer and even more fabulous friend! Having a supportive, nurturing partner through the difficult times (health or otherwise) is really everything. You both are inspirations as a couple, as individuals and writers. Well done!
Thank You!
We had a number of lucky breaks that day. It could have gone south very quickly. The image of blood spurting from her nose and mouth is something that will always be with me, reminding me how close we came to losing each other.
Thanx,
Steve
Dear Steven
I am both surprised and not surprised by your writing abilities. I am simply assuming you’re a natural writer who just didn’t get around to much writing. I bet you’re an interesting conversationalist. I bet the way to tell a story to someone is fine art. I’m very grateful to have met yourself and Cat and I’m glad you’re looking after each other.
Now this is a scary story and let’s all be thankful it turned out alright. I know I went looking for help once and I stumbled in here the first hand that reached out to help me up was Cat’s. I’ll never ever forget that. It’s an event that has in hindsight been part of this kind of fulcrum over which I’ve leveraged the direction of my life and creativity. And now I’m crying 5 minutes before the bus stop. Only good writing and good hearts can work that magic.
I love you both,
Tim
Glad She Was There For You
I'm glad she was there for you. That is one of the things that always amazes me about her. After all she's been through, she still can reach out and help a stranger. A rare quality.
As for my writing ability, I've never explored it that much. I am a software engineer by trade and most of my English writing is focused on plans and reports. It's very technical and very boring, but it does force you to focus on the details and try to anticipate how things will be taken, since the documents may be read by someone at the FDA or BSI.
As for conversation, I'm not that good. I have very poor hearing, so most of my time in a conversation is trying to figure out what someone said with little left over to formulate responses. It's why I prefer email and IM.
Thanks for your feedback. I'm glad that the poem brought up a good memory, even though the images are horrible.
Thanx,
Steve
an after note:
It was on a Friday the 13th that I was okay. another near death experience escaped. 13 is my lucky number, LOL!
* love & hugs, Cat