Jackweb
Jackweb
Sep 09, 2022

RED ROSE

There's no more craze of love,
my heart ticks in displeasure,
for this thorns called red rose,
it pierced every part of my being.

My soul is indignantly wounded,
punctured and I'm now a danger,
dripping in angst of romance,
i may likely suck your blood.

Take these roses away from me,
It's disheartening, am set to kill.
love, a chief blackmailer,
in your excess sensuality.

You jilted me in your mind, and
kept confessing you loved me.
you're simply, a tale of woe! I
rather be a monk than to love you.

©®Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo

More from this author

Comments

Lavender

Hi, Jack,
I absolutely feel the pain here. Strong, clear language. You certainly give a red rose a completely different image. Your final line has a snap to it that delivers a direct message, and a bit of humor.
Thank you!
L

Triskelion

"for these thorns called red rose"
"for this; thorns called red rose"
"for this thorn called red rose"
and more variations. Of course, that is only if you are attempting proper English grammar. Sometimes, it's hard to tell with poetry because of the acceptance of lack of thereof. Personally, I get the point you are making regardless and find some charm in your language use.
S1,L4 "pieced" (sp)
S3,L1 "this" should be "these"
S3,L2 "I am >a< black bullet...."
S3,L3 "black mailer" could be blackmailer.
Other punctuation corrections needed, perhaps another writer will chime in.
Of course!

Thomas

Jackweb

Trisk... nice meeting you again! It's been awhile. I was impressed reading your critique. Thanks for so much for the eagle eye. I never noticed these mistakes. I thing I will definitely edit and change them. I do appreciate your time and reading through.

Please throw more light on what you meant here:
S1,L4 "pieced" (sp)
Thanks!
.

Triskelion

= spelling. Should be pierced (I think)
...never mind. You got it. Cheers!

Triskelion

S1,L4 reads "it pierced me on every part of me"
You can write it "it pierced every part of my being"...could use other words, like "soul" or whatever suits your mood, but again, some of the linguistic charm may be lost.

Thomas