Echoes halo the sunlight.
Trespass into limbic crack.
Knees wet with green impact.
Crumbs on spiral staircase down.
Closer now; a dinner bell
Promises sweet meats and regret.
Far from the ocean, a wave
Crashes on dust rumpled sheets.
Salt and scent erased long ago.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
This seems...
to be made with a jeweler's hammer instead of the sledgehammer that you were using before. It leaves the question of what is happening, to be determined by the reader; but entertaining enough to be enjoyed, even as questions of intent are formed.
Your language use is very good, the title good and the rhythm is well done. As to the logic, it is hard to determine the reaction of the reader, as it may be interpreted differently by another. Very likable.~ Geez.
.